Saturday, November 22, 2008

Finding Peace

Time heals all wounds. I guess that's how the saying goes. It is true, time is helping me with my miscarriage. It has only been a day since I found out, but it's been more than a week since I really suspected something. I began to have spotting last week, then the doctor did not find a heartbeat on the doppler at his office, then the ultrasound Friday confirmed it.

I am so blessed to have 4 amazing wonderful children. I am embarrassed to admit that it took something like losing an unborn child to really appreciate the healthy children I have been given.


I may also count among my blessings, friends who care for me more than I realize. I have had an outpouring of support from all my online blogging friends. But, what I didn't realize I needed was a real-life person who smiled at me and gave me a hug. Of course, my husband did this, but he was sharing in my grief. We were both so sad and both trying to support one another. But, last night, as my husband was at work, good friends Maggie and Chris came by with two make-and-take pizzas and a potted flower for me. Just as a surprise. Just to be supportive. Of course I began to cry, and thanked them profusely. I had forgotten how alone I felt here in Texas, being hundreds of miles away from our families, and still being in the process of making new friends. Maggie and Chris are the organizers of a moms group I belong to but I rarely have time to attend functions. I knew how sweet and caring they were, but I really felt... well, the only word is LOVED... when they showed up to be there for me. I didn't have to ask, they just were there. Maggie said, "We brought this over so that you don't have to think about doing for others tonight. Just keep it easy and give yourself some time."

So, I am allowing myself to feel whatever I'm feeling. One really hard thing for me, though, is helping the kids understand what happened. I told them last night about the miscarriage. Here is what I said:
"Well, kids, I had a doctor's appointment today and I have some bad news. The baby that was in my tummy? Well, it stopped growing, and now we're not going to have the baby. It didn't live. Now, don't worry, because it didn't hurt for me or the baby. Sometimes, these things just happen and it's okay to be sad. But I'm going to be okay and now the baby is up in heaven."
Kids: "Why did the baby stop growing? What happened to it?"
Me: "I don't know why. Maybe it was really sick. But whatever the reason is, there's nothing anyone did to make it happen. It just happened. And now the baby is gone."
I didn't really want to get into the mechanics of a miscarriage. I just told them, "It's not there anymore" so that I didn't have to describe it all. Actually, Peppermint Patty isn't home this weekend because she went on her first overnight camping trip. So I'll have to tell her on Sunday - that's going to be really difficult. She will go to pieces, I'm sure. The boys were both sad, and Linus cried a little bit. I just reassured him that it's okay to be sad. I didn't offer any comforting words, I just held him while he cried. That's what I wanted when I found out about the baby. No platitudes, no "This is God's plan." Just a hug and some human contact.

So, finding peace is going to be an ongoing process, I'm sure. But I don't want you to think that I'm going to let it invade my every thought. I am going to deal with it by going on with life as usual, and just allowing myself some freedom with my emotions when I need it. Hopefully I won't need that freedom on a continual basis, but rather just from time to time when something crosses my mind that reminds me of this pregnancy. I want to heal myself by enjoying the blessings I have been given.

14 comments:

Eudea-Mamia said...

Great post. I have no words to help, but I've been thinking of you.

Em

Casey's trio said...

I am so sorry about your miscarriage. Blessings to you and your family.
Thanks for stopping by on our SITS day.

J'Ollie Primitives said...

Very difficult to find the right words to explain to the little ones. The way you presented it to them was comforting to them, I'm sure. It's OK to be sad.
I'm so sorry.

jori-o said...

Good for you! It sounds like, despite your sadness, you are handling it in a healthy way, and with a huge amount of grace. You've mentioned a couple of times the embarrassment you feel. I remember feeling so embarrassed too! What a strange emotion to experience, when, logically, you KNOW nothing was your fault! Anyhow, just checking on you.=) I'm glad you have some friends close by to love you and encourage you to take it easy.

sassy stephanie said...

Oh Sweetie, I am so sorry to hear this news. I wish I was there to hug you then hug you again. I have been in your shoes, very early in a pregnancy. It is always an emotional time. I agree with you...take time to feel what you are feeling. Hugs again.

Christine said...

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Jen said...

I am so sorry to hear about you loss. You have all my support and love. I am glad to hear that your children are bringing you peace. I will hold you in my thoughts and prayers.

Bridgett said...

My "never going to have kids" college friends brought over Indian food that evening (which was also Mike's and my anniversary) and didn't care that I was still in pajamas.

And then the weekend was over and I went back to teaching summer school, which my pastor had suggested I pawn off on someone else while I was going through it all. I'm really glad I didn't. It gave me something else to focus on for a half a day, every day.

Pinky said...

I just want you know that have been on this journey. I know that you love that precious Baby, and I honor that love.
Much love, many cyber hugs to you my friend!

Toots said...

I don't know how it feels to be you right now and I definitely know I don't have the right words to say . . . but just know that you are loved and supported and cared about by many people . . . hang in there and let us (us bloggers) know if you need something . . . and this might be hard, but find a reason to smile and laugh and enjoy life . . . the good, the bad, and the really bad . . . I'm sending you hugs of happy thoughts . . .

Jess said...

I'm sorry for your loss.
I thought that the way you told your children about your/their loss was very good.
(We lost our first baby, so we didn't have to tell siblings)
You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Angie @ KEEP BELIEVING said...

What you are going through with the kids - welcome to my every day. God gives you the right words, though.

KEEP BELIEVING

Natalie said...

I have been thinking about you but really haven't had anything to say that would help. I had a miscarrage at 11 weeks back in 2002 and it is still painful some days. I had a friend that stopped by with ice cream one night right after I found out and that was such a blessing. I am glad to hear that you have a friend like that, that came over with pizza!

Don Mills Diva said...

It doesn't matter how far along you were, it's still a loss and it's still painful...

HUGS.