Friday, November 21, 2008

Miscarriage (Edited)

The title says it. I was pregnant and now I'm not. No heartbeat at 12 weeks. I don't really know what to feel right now. I'm sad. I feel guilty. I feel embarrassed. I have a flood of emotions that I could never have understood before today, but now I am getting a crash course.

Please understand if I am off the radar for a little while. I don't know... maybe writing may make me feel better. Maybe I won't even want to face all the comments. I am still learning how to feel about this.

EDITED: I have received a call from my doctor, and I have a blighted ovum. Apparently the pregnancy was only 5-6 weeks along. I had my first appointment at 7 weeks, and the doctor did not use a doppler for the heartbeat as he said it would probably be too hard to hear. My regular appointment was yesterday. So, I guess, the baby did not actually die or quit growing, but rather never started growing to begin with.

I am realizing that I have never actually grieved the loss of anyone important to me. I mean, really important. I lost a baby niece when I was 17, but I was way too immature to glean anything from that experience. And, I lost my grandparents when I was 17 and 18, and then my last grandmother at 26. But, I was not very close with them either. I am finding that the only thing I want people to say is, "Are you okay? Do you need anything?" My mom said, "Well, I guess everything happens for a reason. God has a plan." Um, that isn't helpful.

Well, I just wanted to fill you in on what's going on. Thanks for all your support. It really does mean a lot, more than I can say.

26 comments:

Sidney (Sixy Mama) said...

Oh, sweetie, I'm so, so very sorry and hurting along with you right now. Unfortunately, I know first-hand the pain you are feeling.

No platitudes; just know that you and your family are definitely in my prayers right now.

I'm here if you need to talk, or cry, or both. Please take care of yourself, and know that this was not your fault.

Scary Mommy said...

I am SO so sorry. My heart sank when I saw the title of your post. Will be thinking of you... :(

Jaden Paige said...

I am so so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you.

THE ORDINARY HOUSEWIFE said...

Oh, I am so sorry for your loss. I had a miscarraige at 15 weeks so I know how you feel. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

jori-o said...

I am so sorry for your loss. There's a reason why they call it "suffering" a miscarriage. I had one at seven weeks, and even though I already had children, and it was early on, I was devastated. I was surprised at how many women had gone through the same thing, once I started talking about it. There was a strange comfort for me in knowing that I was not alone. So when you're ready, know that YOU are not alone.

Anna See said...

I am so sorry. I am praying right now for peace and comfort for you.

♥ Becky ♥ said...

Oh I am so very sorry for your loss. I will be thinking of you and praying for you during this time. Just know that love and {{{{HUGS}}}} are sent your way today and tomorrow and the next...

Bridgett said...

Oh, damn. I am so sorry. I lost my first at 10-12 weeks or so. It still reverberates all over my life in little ways. Mostly, like Jori-o says, in the "really? You too?" moments when a friend loses a baby. It was a hard time. I can't imagine going through it with kids/family right there still needing me...

MeadowLark said...

Sending you strength and peace across the miles. :(

Christine said...

Take your time to grieve honey, and do not let anyone minimalize this loss. We will all be here when You get back. Thanks you for sharing with us, and you will be in my prayers.

Eudea-Mamia said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers. Em

Lisa@verybusymomwith4 said...

That's terrible :(
Take a break, cry, dream, whatever you need to heal.
We are praying for you and your angel!

Heather said...

So, so sorry to read this news. I've been there twice myself and it is so very hard. You'll be in my prayers. Sending you long distance (((hugs))) too.

April said...

Y'all will be in my prayers.

Bridgett said...

Well, knowing it was a blighted ovum perhaps will make it easier as time goes by, but your body still thought you were having a baby, and so you did, too. Even if there is the delineation between a baby who starts and then stops and a baby that never really gets going, when you're in the thick of it, you still have to let go of all that potential, all that math (due dates, age differences, when s/he would have started school, and so on), all that could-have-been. It is so hard. Take care of yourself.

[Oh, and I won't even tell you the terrible things my own mother told me when I miscarried. Unhelpful indeed.]

Mrs de Miranda said...

Do what you need to do. We are here if you need us. Be sad. Be mad. You are entitled. And please, if you need anything, let us know.

Prayers and love to you and yours.

Cindy said...

Thinking of you. You'll be in my prayers

Angie @ KEEP BELIEVING said...

As I said in my email, I am sorry for you and your family. I know it gets old hearing that. I know it gets old hearing that people wish they could do something. I know it gets old telling everyone again and again. I know. I know. I know.

My advice: grieve. Eat. Have a drink. Do something that makes you laugh. Call a friend. Keep yourself occupied - although with 4 kids, that isn't a problem.

KEEP BELIEVING

Sarcastic Mom (aka Lotus) said...

Peace and comfort to you. Take as much time as you need, react to your grief as feels natural to you. Email me if you need an extra outlet.

Head Nut said...

I found your blog on Scary Mommy. I too have suffered a miscarriage before and I just wanted to let you know that you will be in my thoughts!

Carrie Thompson said...

Just praying for you and sending you thoughts.

Michele said...

I am so very sorry for you loss. Lots of warm, healing fuzzies going your way.

Karin Katherine said...

I had a miscarriage as well. I've found that the only people that understand, are those that have had one. I agree the, "everything happens for a reason" thing is not very helpful and actually hurts more. As does the, "The baby was probably really deformed and its just nature's way." I went through infertility treatments for my baby and so not only was I having to inject myself every step of the way, I was also having to get my blood drawn to check my betas and witness the slow dying of my baby. I had three children when I had my miscarriage and it really hurt. I bawled on the bathroom floor. It reminded me of when I bawled on the bedroom floor the first time I went through treatments. Earlier this year I was blessed with a healthy baby girl, the same time I lost my baby last year. I still think about that baby---and to me it is a baby. But I don't feel as raw, and I do feel really blessed to have our little girl. You will go through many emotions. My only advice to you is to honor your feelings. I'm sending you virtual hugs and baby dust. Baby dust because I know the fear is, "I'll never get pregnant again."

The Nice One said...

I am very VERY sorry for your loss. I am sorry that I wasn't on here and knowing about this sooner. Hugs.

Baby Favorite said...

I am SO very sorry. My heart goes out to you.

Anglophile Football Fanatic said...

Anyone who thinks there is a plan that includes you suffering the loss of a child, needs to reexamine their sense of compassion. No matter the age gestationally or otherwise, that is your child & you deserve to mourn.