Saturday, November 29, 2008

Worst. Date. Ever.

So, this time of year reminds me of a funny memory of my worst date ever. I mean, not the kind where you look back and think, "Oh, that was chaos! Whew, we sure laughed about that!" I'm talking the kind where you look back and say, "What was wrong with my brain that I ever agreed to go on that date in the first place. I shoulda known better."

So, let's travel back in time... to Christmas break 1993... I was in college, but home for the Christmas Holidays. My family lived in St. Louis, about 2 hours away from my Alma Mater. I had gotten some interest from a boy... let's call him Andy. Now, Andy was a nice enough guy, but he was a bit lacking in social graces. I always attributed that to the fact that he'd probably not been on too many dates. He was pretty funny, but as soon as anything beyond friendship entered the picture, he kinda turned into a "buh, buh-buh, buh" fumbling adolescent. Some of his personal habits didn't help his cause: Andy had braces, and he would have the tendency to slide his tongue along his top teeth and make a slurping sound. Maybe he was sucking out the food bits from the crevices of his mouth apparatus? I don't know. All I know is that the sound repulsed me. As did the thought of kissing the mouth with all the food bits. BUT I've always been a big believer in "If I can look past their imperfections, maybe they will also look past mine."

The main problem that Andy had, though, was entirely not his fault: he was a poor replacement for the guy I really wanted to date. His fraternity brother actually. Let's call his fraternity brother Chip. See, Chip looked similar to Andy (sans braces) but was quiet, brooding, and mysterious. He was funny, but in a dry humor type of way. He'd only hint that he liked you, he'd never actually admit it. We'd gone out a couple of times, till I was sick of his "maybe-I-like-you-maybe-I-don't" game and he was sick of me calling him with "so, where is this going? Are we dating? Are we not?" Anyway, for some reason I thought dating Andy would make Chip jealous. Ummm, I think Chip didn't even notice.

So, onto the horrible date story. Really, it's quite amazing. So, it's Christmas Break 1993. Andy tells me, "Hey, I got some tickets to the basketball game at Our College. Do you want to go?" I said sure, we could go. I knew he didn't have a car, so I asked if he wanted me to drive, and he said, "Uh, yeah. That would probably be best." So I filled the tank up and picked him up. At which time he tells me, "Now we just have to swing by Bill's house on the way." I'm like, "WHAT???" So Andy tells me that he has been offered the tickets but doesn't actually have them in his possession. Uh, okay... So, after that pit stop, we head off to College Town and look for a spot to park at the Athletic Center. We drive by a chain-link fence with maintenance equipment behind it. There is a clear space with a sign that read, "NO PARKING." Of course, Andy tells me, "Oh it's fine to park there. They only need that space open during the daytime when they use that equipment. Just park here. It'll be fine."

At the game my good friend Candace comes over to join us at our seats. And, at the end of the first quarter, imagine my surprise when an announcement comes over the loudspeaker... "Attention Fans. If you have a white Ford Probe, with license plate... XXX 123... please move your car immediately." I look up to see my license plate and car description on the jumbo tron.

I. am. mortified. . . . and pissed off.

I am steaming. "Andy, you said it would be fine to park there! Let's go move the car."
Andy: "Uh, well, if I go, I'll miss part of the game. Do you really need me to move the car? Can't you do it yourself? Or, take Candace with you." I was really beginning to get a clear picture of this guy's character at this point, so I just went to move the car with Candace.

After the game, we went to a great College Town restaurant, where Andy decides to order an appetizer that costs $4.95. I also ordered an appetizer, I think it cost about the same. When the bill came, guess how much money Andy had brought with him? Yep, exactly $5. No extra money for tax, or tip, or to pay for my meal (he had asked ME on the date after all), or even to offer me some money to pay for gas.

At this point, I was SERIOUSLY wondering where the breakdown in social graces occurred with him. I mean, it's one thing to be a social goof-up. It's entirely another to be a social moron. This guy was past social moron. He was on his way to social pariah.

So, after I pay the remainder of the bill, plus tip, we drive home. I didn't say much, except maybe, "Do you really have to make that noise with your braces? It's pretty gross." After that, he called a few times but I let them go to the answering machine. I mean, I really wanted a date but a girl's gotta draw the line somewhere.

Later, people often asked me, "Tell me again, why did you date Andy?" And I would just hang my head and respond, "I still don't really know what I was thinking."


Jess said...

You poor thing!! :D
I think we date at least one person like that so we ALWAYS appreciate the ONE we have no matter what they do!!!
There was a guy when I was in HS who thought we were dating, even though I repeatedly told him we weren't! My hubby still teases me about 'the one guy I made cry!'
Thank you for sharing!!

stephanie (bad mom) said...

Dude, that is tragic.

I have at least half a dozen individuals that my friends will always come around to asking "So why did you date...???" My standards were not particularly clear in college...

Lisa@verybusymomwith4 said...

Oh that sounds bad...I'm guessing there was no second date? ;)

My worst dates were always those guys who should've just taken out a mirror--I remember I had to switch seats with a guy so he could see himself in the mirror :0

Christine said...

I love the horrible date story....I wonder who got saddled with him as a should google him to find out about ole brace face, lol. I have plenty of icky dates in my arsenal...will know have to think about pulling some out.

Kellan said...

What a doofus. I'd have been made about the car thing, for sure! Fun story.

Take care - Kellan

Jen said...

that guy was a turd. I real turd! I kinda like saying the word turd.

Anna See said...

Aargh. This gave me terrible date flashbacks! What a great topic to blog about. Watch out boys!

Who am I? said...

Oh man oh man. That's good stuff. Sorry for your trauma, but you got a good story out of the deal, right?