Tuesday, December 16, 2008

I'm A Whore to Vanity

Okay, as much as I say that "I'm okay with who I am" and "I am happy with my appearance!" I have to admit that I am weak. I want to be PRETTY. I have my own idea of what pretty means, and of course it involves throwing logic out the window.

I want to be a blonde. Being blonde = Nice 'N Easy 102. I started out with 104, then moved to 103A, and now I'm on 102. By the time my kids graduate high school, I will probably have gone so light blonde that it will naturally evolve into grey, then I can call it "platinum". Either that, or I'll be bald after putting so many chemicals on my hair for 40+ years (I've already been at it for 20).

Also, I want to be tan. Oh holy hell, please do not post comments about skin cancer. I know all about the dangers. I understand them. Actually, it is part of the reason I have stayed away from tanning beds for the last 10 years. Well, that and the fact that for most of the last 10 years I have either been pregnant, nursing, or too poor to justify spending money on tan skin. Well, up until now...

Today I succumbed to my inner vanity whore. I actually purchased and unlimited tanning package at my gym. I rationalized, "Well, if nothing else, it will get me to the gym more!" A big plus of this place is that they have on-site child care for Baby Sally, and PLUS I can work out after I tan. Another reason I plunked down the $40 for one month is that on Saturday, Texan Papa and I are going to a work Christmas Party. I want to look HAWT so I wanted to get a little bit more color in my cheeks. Today I laid down in the tanning bed for the first time since the week before my wedding. They only had me go for 10 minutes. After getting out of the tanning bed I didn't see any tan lines where I'd worn my undies. I thought, "Man I'm never gonna get any color! Good thing it's an unlimited package." Well...

I thought it was strange how my skin started to feel itchy at about 2:30 this afternoon. I thought, well, I did work out today. I guess I just have to shower to get all this yucky sweat off me. Then I kept itching. Then I went into the bathroom and looked at myself.

Oh. Dear. Lord.... the. lobster. cometh.

And, of course, the sides of my body are white. And my lower back? Well, I haven't had tan lines there since before I had kids (now I'm strictly a one-piece Miracle Suit kinda gal).

See, I had this plan. I didn't want to tell Texan Papa about the tanning bed. I thought, well, I'll do it just a little bit. I'll get a tan gradually so that he doesn't notice I've flushed his hard-earned money into a fleeting self-serving purpose. I think I can consider that plan null and void. There is NO way he will not notice the fact that his wife now has pink boobies, where the sun has not shown EVAH. And, I think the sweat from my workout must have magnified the efficiency of the UVB-bulbs because my forehead? Looks like I got scrubbed down with a loofah pad. It is strangely red, while the rest of my face is only pinkish.

So what am I going to do tomorrow? Go back. I mean, I have to even it all out, right? Maybe only 8 minutes tomorrow.

12 comments:

Jess said...

I'm sorry! I can't quit laughing!!!!!
While I was reading, I completely remembered a 'red lobster' moment I had many moons ago!!!
I hope the sting goes away quickly!! :D

Jen said...

Careful with the tanning, you don't want to end up turd color. hahahahahaha, I kill me. LOL!!!!

But honestly, I would totally do the same thing and possibly have.

Jennifer said...

This is why I don't do the tanning bed. For some reason it seems like I cook from the inside out and after three or four days I'm so burned I can't walk. Definitely NOT a pretty site.

Cindy said...

Ha!!
I'm like Jennifer, I cook from the inside out. I'd probably do the same tho if I was a member of a gym that had a tanning area, join because it got me to go to the gym..

Texan Mama @ Who Put Me In Charge said...

Well, the whole "at least it gets me to the gym" theory is backfiring... I am now so very sore that I can't move my midsection too much. The rest of my body that usually DOES see the sun is okay, but my stomach and my lower back are very tender!

jori-o said...

So sorry...I'm laughing out loud too! Two words: aloe vera.

Hope you feel better soon! (And what did the hubster have to say about it??)

Jaden Paige said...

I'm sorry to laugh at your expense, but.... HAHAHAHA!

This has happened to me sooooo many times before. The only plus is that the redness doesn't last as long as with a sunburn from the sun. At least that's what I told myself to try and get through it... ;)

La Pixie said...

lol, sooo funny. be careful that you dont end up like Ross on Friends!!

Every Day Goddess said...

Soooooo funny! I just bought tanning also, as we are going on a cruise to Mexico and we live in the Northwest, otherwise known as Rain Country. I always leave my bra over my boobs and cover my stomach because no one other than the hubby will ever be seing those areas!! It cuts down on the pain ;)

The Go-To Girl said...

Omigosh! I ended up here in my blog-hopping today, and now I think I may just wet myself!!
You are TOOOOOO funny!!

Dorsey said...

I too feel horribly for you, but can NOT stop giggling!!! Doesn't it just SUCK when our well-thought-out plans to "surprise" our hubbies turn down a horribly horribly wrong path?!?!?

Good luck "evening out" everything!!!

Angie @ KEEP BELIEVING said...

Man girl, I would have thought 10 minutes would have been fine, too. Bummer. I hope the itch goes away.

KEEP BELIEVING