Monday, December 8, 2008

Toot, Fart, Moo

Okay, first off, if you don't understand the title, it's a play on the book "Click, Clack, Moo" about a bunch of cows who find a typewriter in their barn, and type a letter to the farmer who takes care of them. If you've never read it, you should - it's cute (oh and it's a kids book, by the way. Very popular book. I'm sure it would be at the library.)

Picture from

See, nothing is as funny when you have to explain it.

(Imagine a bunch of cows sitting down at a typewriter)

Dear EPA people,

How do you control your emissions? Do you try to conserve gas? Do you use a special type of gas? Have you purchased a hybrid or electric car?

Oh, wait, I'm not talking about THOSE emissions. I'm talking about the kind that make music with your rump trumpet. Yes, I'm talking about...


Now, this may not be a big question for you. But, it is a big - and I mean VERY BIG - deal to us. You see, we have heard a terrible story that you may begin to start charging our owners in the United States a tax of up to $175 per year for each of us lovely bovine that live in the pasture. Apparently the tax money will be going to fight the global warming crisis caused by the farts that each of us emits.

Now, we can see having a tax for cigarettes. Definitely for gasoline. Absolutely for factories. All these things are man-made and produce harmful emissions into the air, making it harder to breathe and indeed helping create global warming.

But why for us cows? We have been around since the beginning of time. Well, if you believe in Creation, we were around before man, like about 10,000 years or so. If you're an evolutionist, though, then I guess you could say we've been around for MILLIONS of years, even further supporting our point: If cows didn't create a hole in the ozone before 100 years ago, why are we considered to be such a threat to the ozone now?

And, considering the suffering economy, why put the burden of this tax on consumers now? We agree with the person who wrote that article, that the cost will only get passed on to the consumers. We just can't see how charging farmers a fee for every single one of us will make the hole in the ozone smaller. Maybe we all just see the world through black-and-white colored glasses.

Sure, we fart. So do pigs. So do chickens. And horses, and dogs, and mice, and farmers, AND EVEN EPA PEOPLE. You have to admit - it feels a lot better to let it go than to suck it in and squeeze yer buns together.

We're just sayin' - we can't be responsible for the action we decide to take if you make us start holding our farts in. We don't want to become a financial burden on the already stressed out economy. But, if you want us to keep producing milk, you know what you need to do.

The Cows.


April said...

That is the craziest thing I have ever heard. Well, maybe not the craziest, but it's close.

Jess said...

I LOVE that!! Crazy but cool!
My dad is a Dairy you can see where this touched me!!

Scary Mommy said...

That's nuts!! I should start taxing my husband--- maybe he would do it less.

Jen said...

I don't know what is cracking me up more the post or the fact that TURD totally fits here. hehehehehe. Cows make some pretty smelly turds.

E said...

Maybe the cows could bail out the car companies????

Texan Mama @ Who Put Me In Charge said...

I LOVE THAT IDEA!!! Or, maybe even better, the cow toots could be the new power source for the cars. But, there's still that problem with emissions....

hee hee hee

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

Yep. This is insane. I read about it yesterday and what struck me was how the PeTA rep. was hoping that this tax would "force" the dairy / beef farmers to change over to "healthier crops".
Uhh. Who decides what is healthy? Jerk-wads.

Sorry. I'll bet a million bucks the PeTA punk hasn't read any research on the benefits of local, organic, grass-fed beef and how incredibly high in omega fatty acids the meat is.


He can keep his tofu burger!

I'm off-topic. Sorry!

Eudea-Mamia said...

skd rgsl 4rjk uhjiy8 hj

Sorry, that's just me banging my head on the keyboard.

Government - tax THIS! (I'll let your imagination flourish).