Monday, March 9, 2009

En Plan om at gøre Alle Mødre Skøre

Or, in case you can't read Danish (and neither can I - that's why I used an online translator)

A Plan to make All Mothers Crazy

Anyone who has a boy child aged 4 and older can relate to what I am about to say. I have, for many years, fought the tiny invading pests that infect our home. I hate these tiny nuisances and loathe the day they entered our house. No matter how much I make attempts to keep the floor clean, these microscopic invaders find their way onto the floor, into the closets, and somehow make it into our van, which presents a whole new hide-and-seek game for me.

The sad part is, that I actually invited them into our home. I believe it was at Charlie Brown's 5th birthday party that the microscopic infestation began:

I mean, seriously, have you ever attempted to put one of these things together? Oh, sure, the suggested age is 6+. And, if your house is anything like mine, "age 6+" means "You may begin harassing your parents up to 2 years before the suggested age limit until they finally break from the constant pressure".

I mean, the Lego set just look SO COOL, right? And, so what if my kids' fingers lack enough dexterity to push together pieces that just 12 months ago were too dangerous for him to have, lest he choke on one? So what if the instruction novella booklet to assemble the eleventy-jillion pieces is 27 frickin pages long? So what if the whole point of this toy is the assembly, not the playing, right?

And, here's the kicker: Has ANYONE ever successfully put one of these suckers together, start to finish, AND KEPT IT PUT TOGETHER? Nope, us neither. I mean, we usually get it together about 90% of the way, and within 1 week the entire kit looks like this:
Not so much resembling a castle anymore, huh? So, when we try to reassemble the castle 2 months later, where is the ONE piece we need to make the drawbridge? Where is the head for the knight on the white steed? Lost, of course. Or dropped down a heating vent. Or in a crayon box. Or swallowed.

So, what does a sucker smart person like me do? BUY ANOTHER LEGO KIT.
Now, you might be thinking that I would have learned my lesson with the lego castle. Well, you would be wrong. I, the eternal optimist, think "I will help my child put this monstrosity of a puzzle together, and we will put it up on a shelf to admire." This, of course, never works. We - and by we, I mean a 5-year-old and his 30-year-old mother - get too hungry/tired/carpal tunnel to finish the assembly beyond 90%. The other 10% of the Legos end up getting dumped into the lego kitty to be used for various other projects.

But, do I stop there? OF COURSE NOT. I assume that a "smaller" Lego project would be easier to complete.
And, yes, at the risk of seeming TOTALLY pathetic, I my son is finally able to finish an entire lego project. So, what does he do with his new project? Does he put it up high and admire it without touching it or even breathing on it too hard?

No. He plays with it. THE HORROR!! A CHILD PLAYING WITH A TOY!!!

Once again, said Lego project is reduced to a pile of bricks. Now, a mere 2 and a half years later, I have completely sworn off any purchases of Legos unless they are specifically NOT to be assembled into a predetermined design. After all, Legos were initially created for that very purpose: to take a bunch of nothings and make something out of them. I remember when I was a kid, there were no "special" Lego pieces; there were only square (4-dot), small rectangle (2-dot), large rectangle (8-dot), and some wheels, if you were really lucky. Those were all good enough for us. But now they've got so many different shapes that my kids sometimes fail to use their imaginations, forgetting that when you build with rectangles they don't magically morph into circles or triangles. They might complain, "That doesn't look like a house! The roof looks like a staircase!" Well, if our roof were made of bricks, that's what it would look like, hon!

So, for now, the main purpose of Legos in our house is to provide constant frustration for me. I step on them in the middle of the night when checking on my sleeping angels. I find them in the crevices of our couch. I suck them up into the vacuum (shh... don't tell on me). I find them in the bottom of the washer after nearly every load. And, the sad thing is, when I find a sale on Legos, I really begin to think, "Oh, I just KNOW the boys would love these..."

p.s. If you don't know why the title is in Danish, it is because Legos were invented by somebody Danish. I think. Or maybe they came from Denmark. Um... the brain cells that possess that knowledge have already been recycled to remember my kids' school's fax number.

All photos courtesy of Google Images. Legos are a trademark of somebody... whatever... I'm not making any money on this blog so do they really care?


wedpartygirl said...

please tell me you saw America's Funniest Home Videos tonight - i never watch but caught the very end where they announce the final videos - the winner was a boy who appeared to be about 7ish who stuck a green Lego on his tooth and couldn't get it off - he was screaming "get it off" while his mom (or whoever) videoed the whole thing! i TOTALLY would have been that mom!

Texan Mama @ Who Put Me In Charge said...

wedpartygirl - nope I didn't see AFV tonight, but it is usually a regular in the Texan Household. Nice weather down here so we were outside painting house numbers on our curb. BUt Anyway, YEP I would probably be that mother with the video camera. My kid would be screaming and I'd be all, "Wait, I didn't have enough light. Can you do that again??"

Jen said...

Ah the joy and sadness of Legos. I am so with you.

Anna See said...

I can relate. The good news in this household is that I have always refused to assemble a single Lego creation. Jake is now a master. The bad news, if one gets dis-assembled at any point from, you know, PLAYING with it, it ends up in a huge pile. His sets have anywhere between 1,000-3,000 pieces, and it's mighty hard to dig through a pile of rubble to find the right piece. At least when they are new, the pieces are in numbered bags. He has proclaimed that I am his "best finder," and yes, I have spent hours searching for a special lego for him. Ugh.

What have I learned? NOTHING. His bday is in one week and I'm buying him the Cafe Corner. What an idiot.

I was disgusted w/ the #of webkinz my daughter has, but Jake has an obscene # of Legos, that cost a whole lot more. And when he grows out of them? They'll go in ziplocs to the thrift store, never to be assembled again

Jennifer said...

We have this same problem with girl toys, My Little Pony, Littlest Pet Shop, etc. That continue to make the pieces smaller and smaller. I just don't get it. Ours end up in the vaccuum or the trash can or the wherever.

Joe said...

Whatever, you slacker! You should have posted pictures of the semi-completed projects.

Myself, I can't wait to buy legos for my son (he's 8 months). I may regret these words later, though.

Found you through, Intrepid Tuesday edition.

Cecilieaux said...

I'm with Joe. I spent hours building Lego stuff with my sons.

Ryan Ashley Scott said...

Congratulations on being featured on Intrepid Tuesdays. :)

My husband is looking forward to Legos for our son... I am not. Especially now.