Thursday, April 2, 2009

Swirl

Today I am having a swirl of emotions: anxiety, pessimism, cautious optimism, excitement, disappointment, glee, and regret.

I have found myself pregnant again.

Again, we were not trying for this. But, I am not altogether convinced that I am actually pregnant. Yes, I am over a month late. Yes, all 3 pregnancy tests show 2 lines. But after my miscarriage in November, I am not going to put ANY eggs in ANY basket until I am actually showing a bump and hear the heartbeat.

I have looked at the statistics and they are all just too confusing: Had all healthy pregnancies? Well, chance of miscarriage is still about 15%. Had a miscarriage once before? That percentage jumps higher. Over age 35 (I'm 37)? The percentage jumps up again.

When we got pregnant last fall, I was so disappointed at first, hoping to just raise Baby Sally and enjoy her all alone, just the two of us. But, eventually, I came around to the idea of having a 5th child and started to get excited. Just about the time I was all ready to buy a double stroller, I began to spot, and a doctor's appointment confirmed that I had a blighted ovum. Basically, the egg had been fertilized and implanted but had never grown past that stage. My body had grown a placenta, a home for a baby that would never be (thereby showing me the false positive for the pregnancy test). I felt like I had been betrayed by my own body. Yet, I had no one to be mad at.

Now, this. Is it a him? Or a her? Or is it nothing?

I have made an appointment with the Obstetrician, but I can not get excited about it. I don't want to face the idea that I may lose another child. And, if I do have a second miscarriage, I think it will just be one more reminder that I am getting older and my body is not fit to do the things it once did so easily. Even though I had not planned on having any more children, the idea of not having the choice suddenly makes the "what if?" turn into a "why can't I?"

At this point I am (supposedly) about 10 weeks along. However, I don't feel pregnant. I have no morning sickness, my boobs aren't sore, I'm not peeing a lot, and I'm not getting any bigger. That's part of the reason I didn't even guess I could be pregnant until about 2 weeks ago. February just flew by, then in March I had a lot of stuff going on (getting ready for that big consignment sale, Girl Scout meetings, Spring Break). Finally, I asked myself, "Shouldn't I have gotten a period by now?"

Please, Please, Please don't tell me congratulations. Don't try to convince me everything will be okay. No one knows that. I felt like I had just started to get over my miscarriage from the fall and now I have to face the possibility of another.

I want to be happy, but I am too afraid to be happy. And, I want to desire another child but I don't know if I have the energy to properly mother another one. Heck, most days I feel like I don't have the energy to properly mother the ones I already have.

Most days, the only thing that keeps me going is the promise of the future. Or, maybe I should say, the uncertainty of the future. I believe there is a promise that we will be cared for by our heavenly Father, but our life here on Earth will be filled with pain and sorrow. He wants us to experience joy, but there can not be joy without there also being sadness. The sadness makes the joy all that much sweeter. I know what ever challenges I am given will not be too much to bear with the help of God and my family. I only pray that I am strong enough to accept the help. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Cor 12:10)

17 comments:

Jess said...

I'll include you in my prayers.

Jen said...

I am not going to say anything but I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and hold you close in my heart.

Scary Mommy said...

Thinking about you, babe and hoping for the best!!

Lisa@verybusymomwith4 said...

I am praying the right thing happens for your family and God stays by your side through it all :)

Christine said...

I would be too scared and numb to feel much at this point, but please know that I am thinking about you. Life just loves throwing curve balls for us to deal with, it is how we handle it that lets us grow in grace.

Grow my friend, and you are in my prayers.

anymommy said...

I'm holding you in my thoughts. I know where you are emotionally.

Keep us updated, if you feel you can.

dianthe said...

keeping you in my thoughts and prayers

Chris said...

I will be keeping you in my thoughts as well.

Please know that if you need to chat, vent or just need a listening ear, I'm around most of the day. Shoot me an email and I'll jump into gmail. chris [at] textimps [dot] com

Jennifer said...

How about, we'll be here to listen and offer advice and a shoulder not matter what....

OHmommy said...

I will be here listening. And offering you many hugs.

Cookie Crums said...

Saying a prayer and thinking about you!

Debbi said...

I wish peace for you with whatever lies ahead, babe!

Bridgett said...

I would be afraid too.

With Sophia, who was post-miscarriage, I never really clicked with the idea that a baby was coming until my doctor was telling me she was going to induce me that Friday. Really.

Wendy said...

"It's" not "nothing", first of all. "It's" a big deal. And losing "It" is a big deal, too.

And not knowing if you can go through maybe losing another is a big deal, too.

And heaven help me, you are NOT OLD. You're only seven years older than me, and I'm not seven years from OLD!

But not-old Texan Mama, I hope your body will cooperate this time, that everything will come together to make one, last, perfect healthy baby.

Natalie said...

i think Swirl was a perfect title for this post. I will be praying for you and watching for updates.

Angie @ KEEP BELIEVING said...

Speaking from someone who has experienced it many times - Cautious Optimisim SUCKS!

KEEP BELIEVING

Mama Kat said...

Oh man! I feel you on all accounts when it comes to adding another addition...I can't imagine what kind of confusion and disappointment and sadness you must have felt with your miscarriage. I think if I were in your position I'd feeling ALL of those same things!