Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Crisis Update

Things today aren't much better.

I don't want to say specifically, but my son is saying some concerning stuff. I have called my insurance, my pediatrician, and made about a dozen phone calls to the intake department at the hospital. I can maybe get him in to see a counselor in AUGUST if I can travel to the facility that is over an hour away because the nearest hospital has a 4-MONTH WAIT.

What else should I expect, I guess?

I am praying like I never have before. For the first time in my life, I asked God, "Why are you doing this?" It's only because I'm weak. The only thing I can figure is that maybe He's telling me that I need to lean on Him more now than ever before. I don't have the strength to get through my days, so I guess He will give me the strength I need.

I have a doctor's appointment on Thursday - just normal OB checkup - and I am going to ask him to go ahead and give me a scrip for some anti-depressants. I need to feel like I won't fall apart every day. I do NOT want my kids to see me crying every day. That is probably the hardest part of everything that's been going on lately. Yes, I know I'm human and it's okay to cry. But seriously, like, 3 or 4 times a day? My kids are constantly asking me if I'm alright, if they can do something for me, or just blurting out "I'm sorry, Mommy! Did I do something wrong?" Heart. Breaking.

Thank you all for the concern and prayers and advice. I don't have a clue what might help my son. Maybe a more present male role-model. Maybe behavior therapy. Maybe more one-on-one time. Maybe just being on a set schedule every day. Maybe less sugar. Maybe no gluten, maybe no dairy, maybe no wheat, who the hell knows? I DO know that whatever I decide to do, it has to work for our family. I can't be busting my ass to make meals that have no sugar and no gluten and no dairy if I'm going to pass out from exhaustion of taking care of two other older kids, a toddler, and a newborn!

I don't know what the answer is. If I did, I'd have more readers than Dooce. But I do know that I have a wonderful support system in all of you and if I ever gave a thought to giving up the blog for some extra free time in front of the TV or with a scrapbook, well, those thoughts are officially put to rest.

Thanks, y'all.


Jen said...

I am glad that you have a plan. I know its a wait but at least its somewhere to get to. This is going to be a long process but you are on the right road.
And I will do what I do best for you, listen and pray.

Much love, my friend.

Jennifer said...

It's going to be ok. And I think the antidepessants are a good idea. Those hormones make everything worse.

Wendy said...

When the airplane loses cabin pressure, you can't put everyone else's mask on first. You have to be able to breathe before you can save anyone else.

You've lost cabin pressure here, hon. It's okay - it happens. I spent four years trying to hold my breath and it didn't work. I would feel worse about this but my grandmother spent 50 years trying unsuccessfully to keep her shit together without help, and I'm just grateful it only took me 1/10th as long.

In my case, I kept waiting for God to magically heal my brain, make me not be sad and crazy, etc. I know he surely does this sometimes. For me it took a (seriously) divine-type intervention for me to realize that humbling yourself enough to realize you can't do it on your own might be as simple as letting God heal you through a medication.

Say a prayer of thanks to God that this all happened during summer and isn't interrupting school. Do whatever you need to do to make yourself okay first, and then you can deal with your son.

And an hour-drive is well worth it to not have to delay this until fall.

Your hubby wasn't in agreement with you, but maybe a total crisis will make it happen.

HaB said...

I really don't have any witty or wise advice to offer - but, at the same time, I feel like I should offer you at least a ((HUG)) and a healthy dose of "Hang in there".

Scary Mommy said...

Oh, fuck.

I had no idea. Thinking of you, G.

Fucking health care.

Debbi said...

You're a good mom, and God sent that little boy to you because He knew you could handle it.

My thoughts are with ya, hun.

Lisa@verybusymomwith4 said...

I'm praying for you too. You will make the right choice.
God bless!

Anna See said...

Way to be proactive! Just making all those calls is a pain, but you did it! Thanks for being my blog friend, too. Hugs to you.

Sturgmom said...

Sorry I don't have any advice...Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you and praying for you. Being a mom is THE.HARDEST.JOB.EVER. {{{HUS}}}

jori-o said...

Good for you. Sometimes just starting to do something is empowering.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Wendy said...

How ya doin' today, hon? Now I'm going to worry if you go too long without an update!

Christine said...

I did just recently read an article about how many kids are misdiagnosed for ADD and ADHD when really they are have gluten allergies or problems with preservatives in food. The numberes were really staggering. If just changing diet a bit would help then you might have the time to test that out before the dr's apt. I know my nephew suffers from adahd and anxiety, mu SIL is having all kinds of problems with him lying and having massive breakdowns. Medication has worked for him to some degree, but a change in diet and organized sports (little league, soocer, and martial arts) helped him the most.

I am so sorry you are going throughthis and I wish I was closer to take you out to eat and have some girl time. I think we could both use it.