Sunday, August 23, 2009

Sleeping in Separate Beds

Writing this post, I'm glad I've chosen not to tell my friends and family about my blog.

So, I've written before about how much I love my mother-in-law. We'll call her Peggy (after my favorite T.V. woman, Peggy Hill from King of the Hill). She's incredibly generous with her emotions. There is no doubt she loves my husband and me. And I know she thinks my kids are little bits of heaven. But, she's got this one thing that I can't get past...

My MIL (mother-in-law) and FIL (father-in-law) sleep in separate beds. Not only that, they sleep in separate bedrooms. She claims it's because he snores. Whatever. But that's not the part that bugs me. What bugs me is that, when we came up to visit last month, she refused to go ahead and sleep in their queen-sized bed together so that our kids could sleep on the pull-out sofa together. Instead, one slept on a regular sofa and the other one slept on an air mattress on the floor.

Am I the only one who thinks that's weird? Not the sleeping in separate rooms part - that's her business. I could care less what she and her husband do in private. But, when we come to visit, wouldn't it make sense (and seem like common courtesy) to just suck it up for a few days in order to make everyone in the house more comfortable?

And when I asked her about it, she said, "But he snores!" And I said, "But don't you think you could put up with it, just for a few nights? I mean, we'll only be here a couple of days and then you won't have to deal with his snoring again for who knows how long!" And she just said, "No, I can't."

And, whenever she and my father-in-law come to visit, they stay at our house. (No, that's not the part that bothers me). And they insist on sleeping in separate beds.

Still gotta ask, am I the only one who thinks that is kinda weird? Again, not so much with the separate beds thing, but more with the I'm-only-one-person-but-I-need-a-room-all-to-myself thing.

Here's the sitch with beds at my house: We have a 4-bedroom house. Texan Papa and I have the master bedroom. Charlie Brown and Linus share a room with twin bunkbeds. Baby Sally has a room with a crib. Peppermint Patty has a room with a double (full) bed. Now, wouldn't it make sense for my in-laws to share Peppermint Patty's bed, and have PP sleep on the couch?

But, no. MIL must sleep in Peppermint Patty's bed. FIL must sleep on the pull-out couch in the living room. And Peppermint Patty sleeps on our floor or on the blow-up mattress in our room.

And, when they DO stay at a hotel, the get a room with two full-size beds. Seems normal, right? But they don't get TWO rooms. So why do they need TWO rooms when they stay at my house? It is a HUGE inconvenience. Well, actually, it hasn't been a huge inconvenience yet because the only time they've come to visit together has been when I've had to go out of town for some reason, so I'm not there to complain anyway. Plus, then one of the kids can then sleep in our bed.

But, they've already planned a trip down here for December, after the baby is born, to see the baby and to celebrate Christmas. I have already told my husband that he'd better talk to his folks about this because not only will I be here, but we'll have an extra person now living with us. Plus I'll be post-partum (a.k.a. in no mood to deal with anyone pissing me off in any way). And, most likely, I'll be breastfeeding at will throughout the day, exposing my boobies to anyone who doesn't avert their eyes.

I was just about to type, "Now normally I'm a pretty non-confrontational person." But that's totally not true. Normally, if something or someone needs confronting, I don't shy away from it or him or her. I have really tried to keep the waters between my MIL and myself smooth for the last 11 years, and so far there have been no waves. Honestly, she's really easy to get along with. But I am a little bit afraid of what might come out of my mouth if she even suggests that we can squeeze them in at our house for their visit. It would not be pretty. For anyone involved.

24 comments:

lov said...

my grandparents got to this point in their life....but i can't ever remember them staying at our house, so i have no clue if they slept in the same room or not!

good luck!!

do your friends and families even know you blog?

Wendy said...

I can't tell you how many older people I know who sleep in separate rooms. They get to a point where it is just more comfortable, and comfort is more important than being touchy-feely.

My in-laws did this for a long time, until his sleep apnea was treated. I think they still do sometimes. Once we were in a hotel with them & we could hear him snoring - from ACROSS THE HALL with both rooms shut. We offered her a spot in our room, LOL. Our floor was rumbling.

What I do know is that they have a very loving relationship - and different bedrooms never interfered with the amount of lovin' that was going on. In fact, I think it helped when she wasn't sleep deprived and constantly irritated with him.

Do try to be patient. Marriages work in such different ways. If his snoring is that bad, they should really do a sleep study to make sure everything is okay. My father-in-law's sister let her apnea go untreated (she didn't like the c-pap mask), and she passed away recently from a heart attack - at age 60. Sleep apnea is a HUGE strain on your heart.

Lin said...

I would KILL not only for my own bed, but my own room too. I don't like sharing a bed, my space, nor my covers--never have, never will. I do not like to be touched by anyone while I sleep--I just want my own space. As for the snoring--I'm with MIL. There is nothing like interrupted sleep for YEARS. I finally got to the point of waking my husband every single time he woke me with his snoring. He finally lost some weight and that helped eliminate the snoring. So, unless you are in that situation, I guess you don't fully understand how awful it is.

As for the sleeping arrangements--I'd make a room reservation for them when they come. Just say that you don't have the facilities to accommodate their special sleeping arrangements and you don't want them miserable when they visit you. It's worth the money--believe me. Especially now that you'll have a baby and hormones in the mix. Everyone will be happier. I gave up being offended my in-laws staying a hotel years ago. We are all just happier.

Good luck!

Buggys said...

Ok, my father was /is a heavy snorer and I remember as a kid that everyone in the house could hear him snoring. I have no doubt that to be in the same room/bed with that person is far from relaxing. BUT...to put up with it for a day or two during visits is not such a horrible thing!
Yes, I totally think it's weird that she can't or won't deal with it ever and doesn't mind putting other people out for her own comfort!

Michelle said...

I agree that it is weird that they sleep apart but I suppose their business. I can't imagine it nutures a close intimate marriage.

Maybe I am old school but when we have house guests I go out of my way to accomodate them. We have a 4 bedroom house. Each of my 3 kids have their own room. The girls have a full size bed each and B has a twin over full bunk. Wyn's room is the most grown up so guests get her room and she gets the top bunk in B's room. She slightly whines but I think it works well.

OHmommy said...

That does sound weird, especially since they can sleep in one room at a hotel. Huh?

McVal said...

Oh my! With a new baby in the house too? I would give them the rates of the nearest hotel with two double beds.

Stephanie said...

Listen Im all about being hostess with the mostess and all that stuff. BUT-- when you know yourself, you know yourself. And I think that being unreasonable and unaccomadating when you go to someone else's house is rude. You gotta do what you gotta do ;) And you know that when Momma is grumpy and irritated, NO ONE is happy. So lets make sure Momma has a happy December...right?

My grandparents slept in different rooms. My Grandpa had diabetes and supposedly his legs and feet jumped and moved all night. (He had no feeling in them, so he didnt know) But anyway, they never stayed anywhere overnight. Grandpa didn't like to travel. And Grandma hates the idea of putting anyone out and was always in a hotel. So we didn't have to worry ;) Hope you figure things out! I know it's a touchy situation that's not fun to be in...but like I said...If Momma's happy...

Christine said...

My grandparents have always slept in separate rooms. Even now in retirement when they moved to a small independant living place....they got separate apartments. They live right nect door to eachother and plan to stay married for ever, but each wants their own personal space. I think after years of having it your way it is really hard to change or accomadate anyone else especially as you get older. I agree with everyone else and either get them into a hotel so they can be helpful, but not in the way. ALso maybe they can each night take one of the older children with them to the hotel as a special treat and one-on-one time.

Priscilla - Wheelchair Mommy said...

Hello, coming by from SITS!! I must agree... their arrangement with sleep is VERY odd. .. I hope your DH can talk some sense into them for the holiday trip

Jennifer said...

Why doesn't PP just sleep with her when she comes for a visit? Does she really need a whole full size bed by herself?

I agree. I think that is odd. And I definitely think they need to stay in a hotel when they come in DEC.

One Sassy Girl said...

I agree, it's weird. But then I also dated someone who snored and I could never sleep... unless I was drunk. If I was her, I'd have just hit the bottle and let my grandkids sleep comfortably!!

Bridgett said...

My mom's parents were separate bed/room people (pretty much because they hated each other by the time their kids were grown). But when we came to visit, I got to sleep with my grandmother in her bed; my grandfather had a twin in a small room next door, and other kids and my parents spread throughout the house. I see that Jennifer asks the same question: why can't she share with your daughter?? that is weirder than not wanting to sleep with the snoring husband.

Another thought? My mom snores something terrible, and my dad wears these little spongy ear plugs. And hears nothing from her (but can still hear the alarm). Ear plugs, you could offer her those...

Peggy Hill. That's awesome.

Karly said...

I would looooove separate bedrooms for my husband and me. He steals the blankets and hogs my side of the bed. BUT! I think your MIL and FIL are nuts. When you have guests you should definitely give it up! Geeze.

Honestly, I wouldn't stay with them. I'd either get a hotel or tell them that you can't afford a hotel and skip that portion of the trip. And no, I wouldn't let the FIL sleep on the couch when they come visit. You'll have a new baby, you'll want to be able to move around in the middle of the night without worrying about waking him up. Gah.

Emily said...

Well, I cannot stand my MIL (the feeling is mutual) and would rather an axe murderer stay in my house than her! I would probably try saying something like "it would be much more convenient for us if you wouldn't mind sleeping in the same room. I understand that you prefer not to so here are some nearby hotels if you prefer that." And if that's the only issue you have with her, though, you are one lucky chick! ;-)

Jen said...

that is VERY weird!

J said...

Oh my gosh, my in-laws do the EXACT SAME THING!!! I thought I was the only one!! And we don't even have a real guest room anymore so they sleep in different living rooms...???

I think you are right, have your husband talk to them. That is what we do too - each one of us deals with our own parents when it comes to asking for behaviorial change. We are asking my in-laws to stay in a hotel when they come see our new baby for the first time, my husband is doing the asking. Good luck!!

A Lil Enchanted said...

Oh I would love to have my own room and my own bed! I get about 6 inches of bedspace to squeeze my quite a bit more than 6 inches of rear end into... thanks to hubby and Stef.... and then they have both kicked the covers to the foot of the bed and have their legs and feet on top of them... so I can't even get any covers. I want a twin bed in Steffie's room so I can go sleep in there and let them have the bleepin bed!lol

Maybe you could offer them the bunkbeds...heehee... no seriously... I think they should be a bit more considerate of your needs... especially since you'll have a new baby to deal with... I mean they're there to help... right???... not make matters worse. But I agree that you should let hubby deal with it... they're his parents!

I left you some love over on my blog... have a great week!

A Lil Enchanted,
~LaShan~

ItsKelly said...

Yeah, it's weird and a little annoying (inconvenient). My grandparents always slept in separate beds. I thought it was so strange until many many years later I found out that apparently grandpa tried to kill grandma. Like for real. That explained the separate beds thing.

CK said...

Lol!

Heidi said...

as someone who grew up with a chainsaw snoring father - let me tell you it is miserable if not impossible to try to get a good night sleep around a snor-er

Marie said...

Okay, she needs to suck it up or stay in a hotel, I think it's completely unfair for her to request that especially with all the kids in your house, seriously I hope she reads this and changes her ways.

Sharon said...

This seems like a long time. Perhaps it's more than just the snoring but they don't want to give out that personal information. You could purchase her a pair of ear plugs and ask her to give them a try at your house.

Ellen Stewart (aka Ellie/El/e/Mrs. Seaman) said...

I'm wondering how all this turned out.

Only married four years, I can divulge that my husband starts to snore at 4:30ish. I wake and get frustrated since it's my last hour of sleep. Sometimes it makes me cranky.

So many women must insist on separate rooms just to keep themselves sane and rested--if their husbands snore all night.

However, your family is large, and the expectation that you house them is unfair, especially since they want two rooms...

No matter how kind or lovely we are, we each have expectations that seem valid to us and nuts to others. In this case, your mother in law needed to take a step back to see that you couldn't tolerate this infringement.