Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Uninspired

I wish I had something really interesting to write tonight, but I'm feeling in a bit of a funk. I have decided to stop taking my Prozac because the last time I got the prescription filled, there were two very LARGE and BOLD stickers on the bottle, which read:

Do not take this medication if you are pregnant or breastfeeding. Consult your doctor.
and
Do not take this medication in your third trimester of pregnancy.

Even though it was my OB who prescribed my meds, I decided that this was probably a good time to take control of my own health. I had already decided to stop taking the meds before the baby was born, so that I could breastfeed. Plus, I was on a pretty low dose anyway. But, since quitting the Prozac, I cried for the first time the other day. The only way I can describe the feeling is... foreign. And, I've found myself snapping at my kids more. Feeling like I'm not able to handle the stress. But, I've figured out that I just need to get a handle on it. I need to make some behavioral changes in myself. I'm not saying that I can will myself into feeling better, but to be honest I wasn't exactly suicidal to begin with. I began taking Prozac as a coping mechanism. Now I just need to find a different coping mechanism to replace the Prozac.

So now I am beginning to remember how I felt before I started taking Prozac. My husband has been walking around in a sour mood all night long. And, I question myself, "Did I do something to piss him off?" and "Should I try to reach out to him, or should I just stay out of his way?" and "When he snaps at me, I need to remember that he's just in a bad mood and not to take it personally" and "Why in the hell won't he just talk to me? If he's mad at me, don't I have the right to know what I did so we can work it out? And if he's not mad at me, shouldn't I be the one he wants to turn to?" It was so nice when I was on the Prozac to not worry about this shit, and I didn't even realize I wasn't worrying. I just didn't. Now, I worry, and I worry about worrying.

I am also so unmotivated. I hate paying bills, so I put them off. I'm not a delinquent or anything. I know basically when every bill is due, but when the time comes to pay it I am scrambling to find the bill and sometimes I have one hour to pay the bill before it's due, or I'm already one day late and I have to beg the company to take off my late fees. I always pay my bills in full every month, but I hate the constant record keeping. On that subject, I usually keep really meticulous records of our checking account in MS Money. But, I haven't entered anything in that account for about 4 months. The longer it goes, the more I dread doing it. But I'll have to get on it very soon, because once the baby comes I won't have ANY time. Then, before I know it, it will be tax season and Texan Papa will be saying, "now, how much mortgage interest did we pay this year?"

If you've made it this far, you deserve a reward. I'm even bored by this post. You can bet I won't be picking this one for any Flashback Friday a year from now.

10 comments:

Emily said...

I hope you start feeling better soon.
I am terrible about paying our bills and was thrilled when my husband finally got sick of it and decided to take over that situation himself!

Foursons said...

Pick one "chore" a day and accomplish it. Then don't worry about the rest of them until another day. You'll feel you've accomplished something and the guilt can take a flying leap because you did what you needed to do for that day.

Or...kick my suggestion to the curb and do what you want. 'Cause who am I to give you advice? Anyways, I know that feeling once you get off the happy pills. It takes a while to balance out. Hope you feel better soon!

jori-o said...

I've been off the meds for awhile now, and every once in awhile when I have a "day" I worry alot too--should I have stayed on them? Am I being too mean to my kids?

Ugh! Turn the inner voice OFF already!

Would it help to say, this too shall pass? No? Hm. Well, I'm thinking of you and SO feeling you, sister!

Jennifer said...

You are just sunk down into the middle of life. It isn't fun, but there isn't a lot you can do about it either. This will pass and something either great will happen or something really awful.

Jen said...

You really NEED to talk to your doctor about this. It is not good to just stop taking an anti-depressant like this. Please call.

Christine said...

I have just resorted to chocolate. My waistline is hating me, but I am a happy camper with all the sugar and caffeine. Honestly though I hope you find your solution and who the heck cares what anyone else thinks

Bridgett said...

Have you considered zoloft or paxil? Both of them are L2s, which is considered a reasonable risk during breastfeeding. Many, all though not all, medications are harder on developing infants in utero than on bf infants. You might check with a lac consultant at the hospital where you plan to give birth to see what the current info on different antidepressants is--my book is 5 years old. Or you might find your own information--Thomas Hale's Medications and Mothers Milk is the bible on this information. Don't check the PDR--they are written with lawsuits in mind.

Dropping off an antidepressant suddenly, especially in the middle of pregnancy is probably not a good plan even if it's for the right reasons. I have several friends who stayed on low doses and warded off the crippling PPD that they'd experienced in the past.

You could always try your local LLL as well. They're not all scary (I was a leader for 3 years...).

Anna See said...

I'm not bored by your post. I am interested in your life and in your day. I really hope this decision you made about the prozac will work for you. Thinking of you...

Mama B said...

Since a lot of comments seem to be telling you to go back on I thought I would do the opposite.

I suffered terribly with PPD after my first, mild with my second and at least once a month (you know the time) i still get as you described above.

I got over (and get though it) all with our drugs. I never wanted something, someone (the Dr.) to be controlling my thoughts, I really felt like to get over it and be a stronger person I needed to get through it on my own. With the Lords and my husband supports I did. I find the most important thing for me was rest (actually sleeping), eating well, exercising and finding time for me, to restore my mind, body and soul.

Good luck, you will get through this and it will be what is best for you and your family because it was decided and controlled by you.

God Bless!

★ MamaKat ★ said...

Hi Honey, I didn't read through the other comments & honestly I didn't read the entire post, but I read the first bit that says you stopped taking Prozac and I had to leave a comment: Prozac is a drug that once started should be taken at least one full year (pregnant/breastfeeding or not) because stopping before a year can cause the depression to come back, worse. You don't need worse. I do read your blog regularly enough to know that. Super big hugs and many prayers. <3