Sunday, November 1, 2009

When You Wish Upon a Pumpkin...

Wait, that's not how the song goes?

Saturday night was so wonderful crappy for me. Now, before anyone replies, Oh I am so sorry you had such a bad time, please don't feel sorry for me. It's the lack of meds and the hormones and me being unable to cope with 4 children for the entire weekend alone.

Again.

Before I get on with my pitiful story, let me say that my husband has a crappy supervisor. For the last 18 months, he has been saddled with a schedule that requires him to work Friday, noon-9pm; Saturday 7am-4pm; and Sunday noon-9pm. So, when our kids are actually off school, I am all by myself for basically 3 whole days. Texan Papa has asked to get the schedule switched but so far, the boss has been less than interested in being nice.

Let me also say that I decided to go off my meds once again. After I wrote about it last month, and so many people were concerned about me, I started them up again. And they helped. But I talked to my doctor and he said, "Well, you can quit taking them anytime you want." His medical prowess is not exactly impressive. (I know, the next logical question... why is he your doctor then? Well, he's a good OB, but as far as psychological meds... my instincts aren't getting a big boost of confidence from him.) So, at 8 months, I decided I wanted to get off the meds since I will probably be breastfeeding and I wanted my body to have a month to flush the chemicals out of my system. And now I'm back to short tempers, feeling overwhelmed, and crying more often.

So, anyway...

It's Saturday night and the kids have been asking me all day, every 5 minutes, is it time to go trick-or-treating yet? Finally, it's getting close to the time to get dressed, and Texan Papa comes home from work, and I tell him that we haven't had time to go visit the older couple across town because we've been busy. So of course he suggests we go now! I ask, are you sure? Maybe tomorrow? No, tonight will be the night to go. So, now I have to hurry up, get the kids dressed, get myself dressed, keep children dressed, find missing pieces to costumes, and figure out what we're going to do for dinner. And, of course, my husband needs to use ALL this time to go to the bathroom... because apparently that's what male humans do. They can not go #2 quickly, like every mother is forced to do. They must sit on the toilet and read War and Peace before "doing the paperwork". And leaving the bathroom without turning on the fan. Finally we are leaving, we are buckling the kids into the van, and Texan Papa says, "why don't you just stay home by yourself and have a break." And, his tone did not say, "I understand you've had a bad day." His tone totally said, "I don't want to be around you, you cranky bitch." ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME???? WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY THIS 20 MINUTES AGO SO I COULD HAVE NOT PUT MY EFFING COSTUME ON??? OF COURSE YOU ARE WILLING TO TAKE THE KIDS NOW... I AM THE ONE WHO DID ALL THE WORK GETTING THEM READY!!!

So, seeing the older couple. Kids running around. Me herding cats children, husband deeply engrossed in a conversation with the older man about a trolling motor for the canoe. I, who didn't even want to come over in the first place, am beginning to have a panic attack because of children saying things like, "These treats are gross. I don't want this apple" after receiving an entire BAG of goodies from these people; and Sally running around the house, ready to knock over some expensive tchotchke any moment.

Finally we leave, get home in time to trick-or-treat, and decide to take the van with us. Scratch that, *I* decide we are going to take the van. I tell Texan Papa, "we can take turns driving while the other one walks with the kids, okay?" He lets out an exasperated sigh and says, "well, I guess." I'm about one second from getting all psycho on his ass. I tell him that I am 8 and a half months pregnant and it would be nice if someone would SYMPATHIZE and BE WILLING to RECOGNIZE THAT WALKING IS KINDA TOUGH.

I wish I had a husband who, at least occasionally, said, "Hon, is there anything I can get for you?"

I wish I had kids who could at least pay half as much attention to me that they do to the T.V.

I wish I had a dog that didn't dig under our fence at least twice a day, every day, making more landscaping work necessary as well as making our house stink from all the crap she's dug through.

I wish I had parents that actually wanted to come visit. Their idea of a visit is once a year, for one or two days. Even when I've lived out of state, I have always visited THEM more than they've come to visit me. And I'm the one with a gaggle of kids.

I wish I was more patient.

I wish I didn't over analyze stuff.

Mostly, I wish - JUST FOR ONE DAY - that someone did for me what I do for them. Fold my clothes. Make my lunch. Dust my furniture. Vacuum my bedroom floor. Iron my work clothes. Pay my bills. Remember for me what I've forgotten. Take my phone messages. Find my lost homework/sunglasses/pencil/keys/pacifier/Yu-Gi-Oh cards/shoe. Mend my torn shirt. Sniff my clothes to see if they're dirty or clean. Wipe up all the crap I leave behind. Allow me to barge in on them while they're going to the bathroom, just so I can ask what time it is.

I know, I'm a mother. That's my lot in life. And I'm not asking to abdicate my responsibilities to someone else forever. But for one day it would be nice.

When you wish upon a gourd
Only happens when you're bored
Anything your heart desires
Will elude you.

Make a wish at Halloween
And you'll see what I have seen
Any one who grants moms' wishes

Will say

SCREW YOU.

Better luck next year, eh?

10 comments:

Someone Being Me said...

Men are clueless. When they are sick they are the biggest babies ever but god forbid they take pity on a pregnant woman. I'm sorry your Halloween sucked so much. It won't be this hard forever. That's what I keep telling myself anyways. And I only have 2 kids...

Foursons said...

This sounds like a chapter right out of my life. Sorry all this is going on right now!

e said...

I am not sure whether to laugh or cry after reading this post! I hope you have a better Monday...

Wendy said...

Errrgggghhh. This sounds like something I could write every other day. Right now I'm looking at 15 loads of laundry, most of which is made up of things that were worn for less than 45 minutes. Hubby let the dogs run all over the backyard, further trashing the grass, and then track mud all over my kitchen. Toys and miscellaneous crud everywhere. All I ask of these people is that they pick up after themselves! Maybe not act like the Tasmanian devil on a mission to wreck my good work every day!

I'll be doing my Nano writing between cleaning today. :-(

It seems like whatever little bit of empathy men ever have for us completely disappears when we're pregnant, when we need it most. Can't they see we're toting around a watermelon?

And now I'll be serious. This mostly sounds like something I would write when my medication isn't working. Something I would have written five days ago. I let my husband's commentary override what I knew was best for ME and I tried to change my meds three times. My doctor probably thinks I'm a fruitcake. All it did for me was illuminate that he (hubby) doesn't know what is best for me. I'm back on the right medication as of four days ago and I'm starting to feel better.

Being on the right meds doesn't mean my family suddenly acts right, or hubby is kinder or more thoughtful. What it means is that I have the wherewithal to deal with them. I can say, "WELL. If you would like to tote around this unborn child for the remainder of the evening, I would be happy to walk the kids! Otherwise, I'M DRIVING, Bucko." Instead of catering to his selfishness & being resentful and angry. (This sounds SO LIKE something my hubby would do, BTW.)

You're not going to survive this if you don't do what's best for you, G. If you need the meds, take the meds. Go back & look at those posts you wrote this summer. I've been thinking I'm going to write myself a little note about the last few months, what it's been like. Something to review next time I consider taking my whole world apart at the whim of someone who does not understand depression even a little tiny bit.

I went to an amazing doctor in NM. She said, "if you go on these, you have to make a 2-year commitment." There's some evidence that you can reset your brain chemistry after a couple of years on meds & not have to take them forever. But you have to take them faithfully for 2 years. If the one you were on isn't the right one, find one that works for you. I gave up nursing my son when he was 8 months old so that I could do the right thing for myself once - and then I quit out of guilt. I look back on that now & realize he is fine and healthy and brilliant. Losing a few months of breastfeeding didn't hurt him one bit. It saved his mom's life. If I had stayed on the meds THEN, I wouldn't have lost another five years of happiness.

My kids paid the price for that more than I ever did. Here's a thought for you:

Kids of schizophrenics have a statistically better outcome than children of a depressed parent.

That one stopped me in my tracks when I read it. My kids would be better off with a schizophrenic mom than me? What am I doing here?

I'm taking my pill every morning without fail & I'm being a GREAT mom, that's what I'm doing. I'm not going to live the sad, angry and empty life that my dad, my grandmother, and my great-grandmother did, that's what I'm doing. I'm stopping it right here, that's what I'm doing.

What are you doing?

Jennifer said...

If I lived close and didn't work I would totally come wait on you for the day. You deserve it. No pregnant woman should be having to do all of that stuff when they are as close to delivery time as you are.

Men suck and kids are selfish. The nature of the beast. It isn't right and it isn't fair. I'm sorry.

Stacie's Madness said...

would it help to hear, we've all been there?

I feel your pain?

well, I tried and it's true, hugs, hang in there...take some time for you...demand it.

Jen said...

I so get this. I too just wish for one day where I didn't have to do everything, one day where I could be waited on hand and foot.

Bridgett said...

Oh jiminy that's a bad day.

Kacie said...

I got in a fight with my hubby last night and he fully claims he was clueless about the expectations that I felt were clear as day. So - while I don't have the kids to deal with, I feel you on the husband thing.

Thing is, he loves you. And my husband loves me. They're just human and they don't love perfectly and never well.

Sorta sucks sometimes to be married to a human, eh? ;)

Anna See said...

sounds like a totally crappy day!

i loved the part about your husband taking a long time for #2. we moms don't have that luxury, do we???