Friday, March 19, 2010

A Job By Any Other Name...

Just wouldn't be the same.

I think, the next time some innocent mother-to-be asks me about my experience of raising 5 kids (or the current process of doing so, anyway) it will be tough for me to be honest while at the same time not scaring her into a hysterectomy.

I believe, to be a mother, you have to be willing to do the following:

1. Answer the same question, with the same answer, at least a dozen times. Those dozen times may happen like rapid fire in a 5 minute period from various eager children, or those dozen times may take place over a number of hours throughout the day, from one strong-willed child. The trick is to not give in. The questioning is much like waterboarding. The slow, steady stream of questions are designed to weaken our resolve. So, we must stand strong to the torture innocent inquisition.

2. Clean up vomit, of more than one person, from a myriad of surfaces, and do it well. No lingering smell is worse than that of day-old barf. Understanding the complex chemistry experiment of Oxy Clean and Odo-Ban and Lysol is a lesson learned only in the trenches of parenthood during flu season. Becoming a mom has left me with the question, "Am I good at anything anymore? Can I claim that I accomplish anything on any given day?" And the succinct answer to that is, "Yes. I am the best puke-picker-upper in our house. Hands down. And, if anyone wants to know if I can accomplish that, just smell my bathroom floors."

3. Lie. There, I said it. Every parent needs to have a good poker face. "Oh, honey, the ice cream truck only plays music when it's out of ice cream. The music means it's on it's way back to headquarters to re-load the freezer." And, "if you keep your face/eyes that way, it might stay stuck like that forever." And, my favorite, "Mommy and Daddy have to go into the bedroom for a grown-up talk. We're going to lock the door because we'll be wrapping Christmas presents! Don't disturb us, mmkay?"

4. Get used to filth. Minivans are not meant to stay clean. They are the vehicle with the quickest loss of the "new car" smell, which gives way to the stench of stale french fries, smelly soccer cleats, and a long-forgotten hidden-under-the-seat-by-the-heater-vent poopy diaper. And, kids' rooms? Those suckers will be perfectly clean only twice: The day you move in and the day you move out. Plus, the 5-second rule for food on the floor will get used on a regular basis, only 5 seconds becomes more like 25 seconds, especially when your toddler is ONE second away from meltdown. Recently my toddler was chewing something orange and said, "Mommy! Candy!" Only... I didn't give her any candy...

Motherhood is not for the faint of heart. So, suit up and get your game face on!

10 comments:

Melissa said...

Oh super puke cleaner, will you please come to Chicago? We have not been able to get the puke smell out of my sons carpet...it's faint, but it's there.

Your reward? A weekend in Chicago and some great drinks :-)

Anna See said...

Txn Mama, I LOVED this post. Being a mom is definitely not for wimps!

kathryn said...

Hey! Stopped in from Gigi's Ramblings.
Fabulous post! My boys are older but I totally remember the "WTH is he chewing on? Did I give him anything?"

Now, I get the snappy comebacks...like, "Yeah, I know...'we'll see' means never..." and "I'm sorry...I wasn't listening. You lost me after 'the funniest thing happened today'."

Grrrrr. That's when I remind them that we once shared the same body...grosses 'em out every. single. time.

Maggie, Todd, Jackson, and Tucker too! said...

Love this post! :)

Foursons said...

I am cracking up at the reason for the ice cream truck to be playing music. Classic!

And my minivan- D.I.S.G.U.S.T.I.N.G. I have no plans to clean it in the near future either.

Jennifer said...

Just today my friend Jodi and I were saying that our two five year olds could have the location of Osama Bin Laden out of the fiercest Taliban leader in about five minutes flat. They are THAT annoying.

stephanie (bad mom) said...

A perfect summary for newbies.

Though I thought your van was perfectly fine. At least, it smelled alright ;D

Emily said...

Awesome post! I have a hard time w/ 4 though...I'm soooo anal about having my minivan clean. ;)

Melissa said...

I think I just snorted. That is an awesome post. Especially the ice cream truck music, I so need to use that.

Crunchy Carpets said...

this should be the handout beside the pregnancy tests...

I love it!

Oh yeah... we 'sort the laundry'!

Heh