Sunday, April 25, 2010

Body Issues? Check.


It finally happened. I bought a piece of clothing that was above the "regular size" threshold. I found a t-shirt at Target that I really loved, but even the XL just seemed to hug my muffin top a bit too tightly. So, I went to the "WOMEN'S" department and found that Merona not only makes regular size Misses clothes, but also makes the exact same items in increasing sizes.

This is so depressing for me. Keep in mind that I'm just venting. It's not like I'm doing one single solitary thing about changing my situation about my weight except to think about it. And, last time I checked, thinking doesn't burn too many calories.

Further adding to my woes, I went to the attic to get my summer clothes down. Everything is tight. Everything needs about one more size to make it fit better.

*sigh, sigh sigh*

I have a million good excuses: My baby is only 5 months old! I'm still exclusively breastfeeding! (And I say "exclusively" not to be proud or wear as a badge of honor, but rather to solidify my disappointment that the baby refuses to take a bottle. So, I'm her sole source of nourishment. Yeah me.) I have 5 kids! I'm 38 years old and have the metabolism to prove it! Blah Blah Blah. Good excuses but just that... excuses.

I am not huge, but I'm huge for me. Does that make any sense? Like, if someone who was on The Biggest Loser weighed what I do, they might be doing the happy dance. But for me, all I know is that I look at photos of myself last year - way back when I thought my body was completely wrecked THEN! - and I wish I was that big again. Some days I look at photos from 3 years ago, before I had Sally, and I think, GAH! I haven't worn that t-shirt in ages. I can't believe I pulled it off then. If only I could get THAT body back.

Okay, so I'm going to go weigh myself now to find out how much I weigh. Here I go. I'm going to leave the laptop... now.


hmm. that's a high number for me. When I got married, I weighed 150. When I got pregnant with #5, Violet, I weighed 162. So, I guess 13 more pounds to go isn't that bad. I can probably do it. I've never been good with diets, though. When I lost the weight after Peppermint Patty and Charlie Brown, I used the "Pretzel diet" - which is a creation of my own doing. Basically, 1) take a vitamin daily; 2) eat hot pretzels and V-8 juice for breakfast and lunch; 3) eat a lean & healthy & regular-portion-sized dinner; and 4) drink lots of water inbetween. I know, kinda a weird diet but I figured I was getting lots of veggies with the V-8 and the pretzels kept me full.

Now I just have no energy to do anything, including vacuum or fold laundry, let alone get my butt off the couch and pry the Hershey's Kisses out of my sweaty hand.

I waffle back and forth between "I hate my body. I want it to look different." and "I have a beautiful inside. That's what matters. I'm beautiful because my husband tells me so, who cares about the other 5.5 billion people on the planet?" I waffle between "I know tons of people who have lost weight and they look great!" and "Even if I lost weight, I'd still have the stretch marks and saggy skin. I'm almost 40. Who am I kidding?"

I'm not good at committing to hard work. It's not exactly my strong suit. So, my choices are: lose weight and feel better and keep the clothes I have, or just keep doing what I'm doing and buy more clothes! The second option does seem appealing...


Foursons said...

Wow, I'm proud of you for typing out the number AND hitting publish! That's huge. Not you, but the act of doing that. I understand what you're feeling. After my medicine issues this year I can't fit into anything I wore last summer. It feels awful.

Gigi said...

We've all been there. Unfortunately, as women, most of us (me) never seem to be happy with our bodies or weight. I constantly struggle to realize that my body or my weight isn't who I am; but it's a daily (sometimes hour by hour) struggle.

Laura said...

I have dealt with this all my adult life and here is what I know.

It will all be OK.
You do have a great metabolic window of opportunity though while breastfeeding- since if I remember correctly, you are burning 20 calories per ounce of milk.

Think of what you are willing to do and it will all fall into place.

There is probably a breastfeeding mother food plan online.


White Spray Paint

Bridgett said...

I never lose baby weight until I wean. I'm on baby three and it's been true each time. Then when I wean it kind of sheds off me the very next summer (on the bike, in the garden). The funny thing that struck me is you were buying 1X (or whatever in the Womens section) at 175 pounds; when I'm 175 pounds I wear a size 12. Isn't that weird? I must have bones made of lead. And I won't say what I weigh right now!!!

Jennifer said...

Target clothes run small. For real.

But you know my struggles with weight. I've written about them enough. Maybe we can do it together.

GunDiva said...

I just had a meltdown about this earlier in the week. I've always been a size six or smaller. My whole life. Until I met RockCrawlinChef, then I creeped up to an eight and then a ten. We got married and I put on thirty pounds (on top of the twenty I put on while we were dating). I am now - ahem - a comfortable fourteen, though I can squeeze my fat arse into a twelve and I'm only five feet tall.

I've got to quit whining about my weight, though, and do something about it. Damn, gym, here I come.

Heavy sigh.

Ash said...

Ask any man what he weighed on his wedding day - $10 if he can get within 10 pounds of the correct number.

I have no words of wisdom, other than go easy on yourself. Five months is barely time enough for labor scars to heal.

Anna See said...

First of all, Target runs small! Seriously. Secondly, I, too, never lost the last 10 lbs until I weaned at 1 yr.

It may not happen right now, but it will happen. xo

Emily said...

I feel ya...we've all been there. It's rough. I totally think the nursing thing is a valid excuse. I could never, no matter how hard I tried, loose all the baby weight until I finished nursing. And she is only 5 months old...give yourself time. And you are definitely a beautiful person on the inside which is really what matters!

Sugar said...

You realize the grace period is 12 months for claiming it's 'baby fat'. And if we moms can't agree on this one, what the heck am I supposed to do?! ha ha~!

dianthe said...

i'm right there with ya' sister!! tight t-shirts are great for showing off your cute baby bump - not so great for hiding your not-so-cute post-baby bulge!

my daughter was born in February of '08 - i started Weight Watchers when she was 8 weeks old and finally hit my goal weight in October of '08 - i was nursing the whole time

i delivered my son 10 weeks ago - i still have 30-35 pounds before i get back to my "normal" weight - i'm starting WW again on Sunday - it's the only thing i know that works - but until then, i'm eating everything in sight

and whoever started that lie about how breastfeeding melts away the pounds should be punched in the face - i'm currently tandem nursing (my 2 year old and my 10 month old) and the weight hasn't gone anywhere - seriously, the scale hasn't moved in 5 weeks - uh huh, thanks for nothing! ;)

Megan said...

I have struggled with body issues for years, and admire your courage in sharing your personal struggle. It wasn't until I let go of my obsession with my looks and focused on my health (brought on by the loss of my sister) that I was able to escape my issues. I hope you are able to as well!

siteseer said...

You are definitely a strong woman that can state the facts :) And I'm with whoever left the comment about sizes being so different. I haven't seen a size 12 in decades and I weigh a lot less than Victoria (from Biggest Loser) who stated that at 235 she's in a size 12!! What the heck!! Just be comfortable in your own skin. When you don't think about it and just get busy living life it all falls into place.

Sturgmom said...

I'm 1 lb. lighter than you. My dr. told me yesterday that I need to lose 20 lbs. It was a wake up call, for sure.

anymommy said...

You look beautiful, I've seen you! That said, I understand not being happy with body changes and wanting to focus on feeling good in your skin and in your clothes. I'll be routing for you.