Sunday, April 11, 2010

Playing the Poop Card

Men. Can't live with 'em. Can't live without 'em.

Also, Can't keep 'em out of the bathroom when nature calls.

Who knows why women think of their bathroom habits as a time-sensitive matter. Maybe it's because we know our time is valuable, and we don't want to flush our precious minutes down the toilet. Maybe it's just part of a mother's job to be efficient at every task, never sitting down on the job, including when moving our bowels. Maybe it's because we know that the longer we hang out in the bathroom, the more things we'll notice that need to be cleaned.

Maybe it's just that guys like to have an excuse to lock themselves away and not be bothered.

All I know, is that Texan Papa has taught young Charlie Brown well. Upon coming home from work and setting down his work bag, Texan Papa will take a minute to look at the mail, hug the kids, and get a quick snack. But as SOON as I utter the words, "Here, can you take the baby for a few minutes? I'm trying to get dinner finished up." he tells me "Oh, sorry! I have to use the bathroom." Of course I understand. So I'll ask, "How long will you be?" and his patent answer: "As long as I need. I have to do some PAPERWORK." Get it? Paper? As in... TOILET PAPER. That's his little code word for "Don't come in the bathroom for 15-20 minutes after I've turned on the fan." I wonder why he can't just lay the baby on the carpet in there while he's sitting down. I wonder why he can't take the bouncy seat in there. But apparently, doing his business is very important work and takes lots of uninterrupted concentration.

Much like his father, Charlie Brown escapes work by playing the poop card. As soon as dinner is finished and we need to get going on washing the dishes, Charlie Brown says, "Uh, mom, I need to USE. THE. BATHROOM." then he leans over and puts the edge of his palm up to his cheek and whispers to me, "You know, to do... number 2..." Like he has to tell me. Like I don't already know. Like it's not the exact same thing he pulls every single night. This is the same crap he tries to pull every week at church during the sermon.

And what am I supposed to say? "CLENCH YOUR CHEEKS AND THINK OF A CORK"? I mean, I don't want to be the cause of a log jam, but at the same time I wonder how much of these shenanigans are simply to escape participating in less-than-exciting activities. In other words, listening to the sermon is as boring as s**t.

I've noticed, Charlie Brown never needs to take a poop break during his video game time. Same goes for Texan Papa while he's watching a Netflix movie.

Things that make ya go Hmmm....

16 comments:

J said...

Omg my husband does the SAME thing when he comes home!! I did not realize other men did it too!

Emily said...

Hahahaha! This whole thing cracked me up. My husband totally used to do that too...I finally called him out on it. Try sending the kids in their with him. ;)

GunDiva said...

Isn't it convenient that the kids' bowels wake up and need attention AT THE EXACT SAME TIME that there are chores that need to be done? Where was that when I was a kid?

Sturgmom said...

I thought my son was the only one who did that! He usually has to "go" when it's time to clean his room. And it takes him a sweet forever to finish his business. It's also particularly non-irritating when he decides he needs to sit for a bit when we're on our way out the door for school. Just writing this is getting me all riled up about it!

The Drama Mama said...

I'm seriously lmao over here while wiping the tears from my eyes. You've penned it so perfectly.

Mary K Brennan said...

Are all husbands the same? Honestly, mine sets up camp in the bathroom. I have no idea what he is doing with all that time. I just know I could clean an entire house....maybe his intention.

Maggie S said...

Is Charlie Brown 8yo? They call this the dishwater trots.

Anna See said...

Hmmmmm......

You are right. Moms take about 2 seconds to do this. I think you are on to something.

Jennifer said...

To Charlie Brown: Ok, well the dishes will still be here when you're done.

To Texan Papa: Ok, well I'll just wait to start dinner until your finished and can help me out.

Don't let them out of the work just because they have to poop. When the excuse quits working they'll stop using it.

Wendy said...

My hubby doesn't do this, but only because he has spent half his workday avoiding work in this manner! Seriously!

I would be all, "okay, go do your paperwork." Then as soon as he's out, hand him that baby!

My grandmother to THIS day is still mad at her younger sister for doing this. I agree with the commentor just above me that said don't let them get away with it. You may not be able to do a whole lot with Texan Papa, but you can prevent the future wrath of a seriously annoyed daughter-in-law!

pixie said...

Hubby will disappear for hours at a time, and then I hear the fan turn on in the bathroom. Meanwhile, I'm dealing with some nuclear crisis among the children, and by the time he gets out it's over.

I know I'm in trouble when he takes a magazine with him in the bathroom... I really think it's an avoidance technique!

Mary Jo said...

Dishes... whenever its time to do dishes my husband has to go. SO I sit my butt down and wait for him, he's not getting off that easy! LOL

Raising Madison said...

Are we married to the same man???

I'm stopping by from SITS & really enjoying your blog. I'm a "texan mama" too... we're in Fort Worth.

Stop by my blog if you get a chance: www.raisingmadison.com

Heather said...

Thank you! I found you on SITS and your "clench your cheeks" comment made me bust out!

Tiffany said...

This is seriously hilarious! I tweeted about this exact.same.thing and someone sent me your link. How funny?! Stop by when you get a chance, www.feels-like-home-blog.com

Bear and Bones Mama said...

Ok, I have a confession. This is me. If I have to go, it's the only time I get 5 minutes to myself and dang it I'm going to take them and a book with me. Ok, maybe it's 10 minutes. My husband is the fast one. He nevers seems to have to work for it like I do (TMI). I also want to apologize that I never posted pictures of myself. I don't really have any!!! I'm always taking them. There maybe a few of me on Facebook...