Friday, May 21, 2010


I've decided to coin a new phrase: "Mutts", which means "Male Sluts". I guess I could call them "Butts" for Boy Sluts, but I think the dog connotation is more fitting.

I was watching Dr. Phil today and the show was titled, "Too Young, Too Fast?" It was about girls who feel that teenage sex is okay. The first guest, Cassidy, couldn't really come up with a reason why she shouldn't be having sex. She's 14 and she's already had 14 sex partners. She has sex in wild places - the back alley behind her house, in her backyard in a tent, in a church, etc. Dr. Phil tried to broach the subject of self-respect, self-esteem, and immaturity. He asked her if she knew anything about how to raise a baby or the costs involved. He asked her about possible diseases she could contract. He even asked her about caring for herself and for another man and love.

Sadly, I recognize some of myself in her. Not that I was having sex at 14, but when I did finally start sowing my wild oats, I wanted to live life to its fullest. I loved the saying, You only get one life. But if you live life the right way, once is enough. For me, having sex in strange places and with guys I didn't love had nothing to do with sex. It had everything to do with power. *I* was the one who decided yes or no. I didn't look at it as them using me; I looked at it as me using them. I got to decide if and when I'd have sex. I got to be in control of my own reputation. I don't know if I was ever known as a slut or easy, but I didn't really care. I was in charge of me.

That is the feeling I get from watching this girl on TV. She is not connecting sex with anything morally right or wrong, but rather with just a physical feeling of pleasure. Dr. Phil did liken her behavior to a drug addict, needing a fix to feel good and having no regard for her personal safety.

I began to think about the talk shows, and how SO OFTEN the topic is about promiscuous teenage girls. Then suddenly I realized: I don't think I've ever seen a talk show with the topic of promiscuous teenage boys. Where are Dr. Phil's questions for the young men? Questions like, Why do you have unprotected sex? What does it say about your self-respect if you sleep with girls you're not in love with? What do you think other girls are saying about you behind your back?

Seriously, have you ever seen a talk show where the TEENAGE BOY is put on the defensive? Is it ever even SUGGESTED that HE might be the one being used and the GIRL is the one taking advantage of HIM?

Is it so out of the realm of possibility that girls are not weak, that they know themselves well enough to make decisions about who they will sleep with, and that possibly they only want the physical pleasure of sex, but none of the emotional attachment?

Now, let me pause here and say that I am NOT NOT NOT in favor if pre-marital sex. No way. Not under any circumstances. I think it's something to be saved for marriage. I say that as a person who gave her virginity away too soon and regretted it. I say that as a parent who is scared to death of the social pressures I see other children facing today. However...

I am just speaking to the seemingly one-sided argument about teenage sex. Like, if a girl says yes then she's go no self-respect and she's being used. But a teen boy who has sex is what? Resepctable? Or, at least, self-confident? And it's okay that he's the user? Or, is the question ever even asked??? I think no one ever talks about it.

But, last time I checked, teen girls weren't having sex by themselves. At least not yet. Well, I haven't seen a Dr. Phil show about it anyway. But now I probably will.


Jen said...

This post is full of food for thought. I like what you said and you are right, this issue should be asked of both boys and girls.

Great post.

Gigi said...

I know exactly what you are talking about.

My son's school just had a seminar on sex (yeah I know - at a Catholic school...) that, according to my son was really good. I can't find the link I'm looking for but this one will put you on the path

Basically, they talk to teens (and pre-teens) about sex, the ramifications, etc. And the importance of realizing that the person you are seeing will someday be someone's spouse - and you should treat them accordingly. Wow. I know I never thought of any of my boyfriends as one day being someone's husband - or vice versa.

According to my son - it was a very interesting and engaging talk - he said he paid attention to the whole thing. And that it wasn't just about saying no. Or that it was the girl's responsibility to say no. But that it made him think about his responsibility in a relationship too.

Sorry, sort of off topic, and rambling (but that's me - what else would you expect?)

In sum, yes, I agree with you. Why aren't these boys being put in the spotlight? They are just as culpable as those girls.

Jennifer said...

I agree. It takes two, and two should be held responsible. Period.

And this makes me so glad for the sex talk my Mom had with me the summer before fourth grade. She always did a great job of relating sex to love and responsibility. I know she is the reason that I waited until I knew I was with the person I would always be with. I just hope I can teach Baby Girl the same thing.

Bridgett said...

I waited to "go all the way" until I was married; I plan to be very frank with all three of my kids about this and about my friends, and Mike's friends, who did not. Quick ways to ruin your life--we both have siblings or parents who got pregnant long before they should have, just for instance.

Anna See said...

Great post! Definite food for thought. I want to instill in both kids respect for others and self respect. Sounds like it's time to start talking.

Mel said...

Great post! And I agree. Why is it seen as okay for young males to be promiscuous but girls of the same ilk are branded slutty or easy and stamped with a bad reputation?

I was never skanky as a teenager, I didn't have sex until I was nearly 19 but it honestly had nothing to do with saving myself. I wasn't all that concerned with losing it to someone I love, I guess I just didn't get around to it, I was never quite attracted to anyone enough, and quite frankly didn't like the idea of someone being 'inside' my body (sorry if that's a little too descriptive!) My parents were super-lenient, to the point that sometimes I now question their parenting methods when I was a teen however I guess they did well considering I started much later than the majority of my friends (who on the most part, had strict parents). I could have my male friends stay over if I liked, they could sleep in my room, even in my bed. She wouldn't even bat an eyelid! My Mum's theory was that 'if they want to do it, they'll do it day or dark. I'd rather know at the very least that my daughter is safe'. I had fantastic communication with my parents and there was a lot of mutual trust. I am proud to say that as a result, I respected boundaries when actually did set them and never once lied to them or went behind their back.