Friday, October 29, 2010

Control

Sometimes I don't know how to separate myself from the things over which I have no control.
Things like:
  • The bill for the dentist is shockingly high (should I have checked his prices first? I mean, I made sure he was on both main and supplemental insurance, but maybe I should have found out more info beforehand?)
  • Charlie Brown keeps getting "card changes" (disciplinary warnings) at school for talking (should I be punishing him more at home? Should I be using some different sort of verbal rewards for him behaving properly? Should I be paying him more attention?)
  • A filling fell out of my tooth (Should I be drinking less soda? More carrots? Fewer hard things and more oatmeal?)
  • The baby has bad diarrhea (Maybe she's got a virus? Maybe it's something I fed her? Maybe she's allergic to something but I have no idea what!)
I know these things would be happening whether I was here or not, whether I stayed my course or changed up my whole way of doing things. But I just can't shake that uneasy feeling.

In my head, it's just INSANE! If this were someone else's blog I was reading, I think, "She needs to just chill out and do her best to deal with all the normal daily crap that is just inevitable." But the fixer in me can't escape the thoughts of "If I just had done one thing differently, maybe it would be... easier, or better, or cheaper, or happier, or... whatever."

I hate feeling out of control. I hate feeling like I don't know what's going to happen. this is the main reason I hated Science class with every fiber of my being. I hated the "Do the experiment and see what happens!" thing. I was always like, "Well, tell me what I can expect the experiment to do, and I'll be watching for it!"
After my freshman year of college, I broke up with my high school sweetheart. I was devastated. And, I felt very out of control. The one area of my life, the LAST REMAINING SHRED of control that I felt I had, was my physical appearance. So, I quit biting my nails. I quit eating. I laid out and got really tan. I lost a ton of weight and I got noticed by friends and caught the attention of some new guys to date and I felt so very very.... empty. I thought that having complete control of myself would make me feel better. And, while I did feel happier about my appearance, I suddently felt very out of control about the future: How long could I go eating a cup of yogurt every other day as my only sustenance? How long could I go while I watched my hair fall out? How long until I quit having all these headaches? And, what happened if I gained weight again? Would I be ugly? Would I ever find someone to love me?

Obviously, I did start eating again. I did find someone to love me. And my hair quit falling out - thank goodness. I think my issues of control will probably never go away. Now I guess I've got to just find a way to manage them. I don't know if it will get any easier, but maybe - hopefully - over time I'll be able to gain some perspective.

 That, or just drown them with diet coke. :-)

Texan Mama

12 comments:

Sturgmom said...

I'm definitely a "worrier." J always has to remind me that there are some things I just can't do anything about. Doesn't mean it makes it any easier to handle, though...

Otter Thomas said...

It's a hard thing to get a handle on. I am a bit of a control freak about certain things. The truth of the matter is that none of us are in control at all. If we can be at peace with that then our lives will be a lot happier. I am still working on it for sure.

Anna See said...

I know what you mean. I try to "cast all of your anxieties on Him for He cares for you," to mixed success. The thing is, how much control do we really have? Far less than we thought. That can be scary OR liberating. xo

mama hall said...

interesting what you've overcome and yet what you still hang on to... i can relate. you are not insane.

Someone Being Me said...

Well you can't do much about the other things but I would get an estimate from the dentist before any treatment. Unless its a routine cleaning I always get them to give me an estimate of what my insurance covers and what I will be expected to pay out of pocket. My dentist always does that before even scheduling an appointment for any type of treatment but at my kids' dentist I have to ask. Just take control of the things you can and try to just keep perspective on the things you can't. I remind myself that things are annoying and frustrating but they aren't life and death.

Gigi said...

This must be one of the reasons I like you so much - we seem to be two peas in a pod.

I am a control freak. There I said it. I like to control every possible thing that I can and when I can't? It worries me to no end.

The (tiny) rational part of my brain tells me this is crazy and to chill out. But then the (big) insane part kicks in and takes over.

*sigh* It's a constant battle.

A.Marie said...

I was always kind of a "worrier," but it intensified after the children came along. Oh My Goodness...there are days that I tell everyone, "if you want someone to worry about something for you, just let me know. I'm like the Queen of Worrying!" UGH!!!

How I handle all of my worries is I let myself run all of the scenarios in my head. Run them all day if I have to. Then, after I have run the gamut of worrying, I just "cast my cares upon the Lord" and try and forget about them. Usually I am upstairs in my bedroom, saying my prayers before going to bed, when I finally decide to quit worrying! Or, I just mentally wear myself out and can't even think about worrying! :)

Crystal said...

I'm sory that you feel that way...I like to have "control" of things, too...especially when it has to do with my kids. Sometimes I get obsessed with it-especially when hubby is gone with the military...then I get SUPER controlling.

Bridgett said...

Yup.

Fillings fall out, btw. They only last so long. I hate this about getting older more than gray hair or creaky ankles or dry skin.

Wendy said...

This has always mystified me. I've never felt like I had control over much that happens except my reaction to it. So much of life is out of our control. It seems useless to try. When I see people trying to control everything, all I can think is, "boy, you must be SO TIRED."

My vote for CB? Don't give him too hard a time about it. I have seen huge variables in my kids' behavior depending on the makeup of the class & the teacher's personality and how he/she deals with the kids. Keep encouraging him to behave - reminding him about how hard the teacher's job is and how much harder it is if he is talking, etc. - but this is just part of growing up. Also, it's her job to maintain the atmosphere in the classroom, not yours. IGNORE it. Spending more time with him is always good, just in general.

Hon, fillings just fall out. And sometimes they don't. I have a 20-year-old filling that shouldn't have lasted more than 10 years, according to my last dentist. But there it sits, no problem.

It's just... LIFE.

tz said...

both my kiddos talk all the time! And I think to myself, 'Oh this is the same parent-teacher conferences my parents must have had' because frankly, i talk too much also...my kids come by it honestly :D .... at least that's what I tell myself...because apparently I talk a lot inside my head too.

Jennifer said...

This happened to my friend. She said, "but I thought if I lost all this weight and got control of myself then X would be better." But life doesn't work that way. It just doesn't. There will always be things outside of our control. That's when we have to rely on our faith to pull us through. It kind of sucks.