Friday, October 1, 2010

Today It Hurts

Today, their words hurt.

Today, I have to keep telling myself that they aren't right. I have to believe that my feelings ARE important, DO have merit, and WON'T be dismissed.

Today I am questioning myself about what I believe. I vacillate between "are they right, and I just can't see it?" and "Am I right, and I need to make them see it?" I wonder where my objectivity ends... when I can no longer tell the difference between advocating for my beliefs, and just being a giant pain the ass.

Today I have a choice: Let their words affect me and back down; or believe that I'm doing the right thing and stay the course.

Today I can't quit thinking about it. I want to cry and let it out, then I want to just think about something else. I want to talk about it, then I just want to be left alone. I want to figure it all out, then I want the problem to just go away.

Today has just begun, but I already know that I won't be able to escape my thoughts the whole day. I'll worry and wonder and probably feel a little bit sick to my stomach. I'll feel alternately ashamed of myself and empowered.

Then tomorrow will come. And tomorrow I'll feel better. I'll have perspective. Everything will be more clear, knowing that today will be yesterday.

Tomorrow, hurry up.

Long story short, parent/teacher conferences were today. Needless to say, the school and I do not see eye-to-eye. I have a lot of difficulty figuring out what my role is: support my child or support the school. When I think the school is wrong, will speaking up compromise my child's education? When I think my child is wrong, how much support can I expect the school to give me? Where is the middle ground? How much do I expect a government agency to actually CARE about my child, one of hundreds in the school?

Texan Mama


Kirby said...

You do whatever your heart is telling you to do... It'll all work out! :)

McVal said...

I'm praying for you. I ended up pulling my son out of high school and he finished his schooling at a desk behind me. It pulled him away from the kids causing problems and from the school that couldn't enforce keeping the kids off FB & Myspace during the day while in classes... WHile we could at home... But my issues were different. You'll make the right decision. And you're not alone.

Jennifer said...

Have you just thought about homeschooling? You have the background.

I think that we have to balance everything. No one is right 100% of the time and the story has to be mixed. I think you have to show your child that you are going to stand up for him/her, but at the same time teach that their views and opinions are not always right.

And I would say a lot of the teachers do care about the kids. Why else would they work that job for so little money? I mean they must have their hearts in it.

Bridgett said...

This sucks. I hate butting heads with school--I did a lot of that last year, but at least I knew the teachers and I were on the same page. When you can't even know that for sure, it's so hard to not worry and second guess yourself.

J said...

I felt exactly the same way yesterday, about something completely different.

A.Marie said...

Oh goodness...I know exactly where you are coming from. Their words CAN hurt, and they DO hurt, but you just need to let those words roll right off of your back, because, at the end of the day, it is your child that comes home, from that school, and it is that child that you are responsible for. And, no one else can parent him/her better than you. So, just have a good cry (it really does help!), let it all out, and then move forward.

I know that it is hard butting heads with the school. But, you must remember that your job is to advocate for your child and to get what they need to succeed academically, and their job is to try and provide just the minimum amount of support that they can. It always boils down to money. The more services they provide, the more $$ it is costing them.

I read a fascinating article once about this, and a person wrote that, "because school personnel do not want to intervene with correct programs, resources,'s not in their best interest, financially. These administrators are gatekeepers - nothing more, nothing less." I bookmarked that page because it is really true!

Take Care!!! :)

Mariah said...

I have felt the same way recently. The school insists that my kid still attend speech, she's in middle school and it's embarrassing for her and she doesn't even need it anymore, yet b/c I signed a papaer when she was in THIRD grade I don't have a say in it! It's hard!! I feel you, it's VERY hard!! P.S. I'm new to your blog and your children are beautiful!

Anonymous said...

Well I've felt this way about other things .. but I know the struggle you are burdened under. God bless and I hope you feel better soon. He gives peace to those whose minds are set on Him ... Is. 26:3 I think. :)

Gigi said...

I know you've had issues with the school - but I don't know all the details. I do know this - the school is NOT always right and sometimes as a parent you have to fight for your children if it's an important issue to you.

Casey said...

I completly agree with what A.Marie said. I have two special needs daughters and the school was trying to pull one of them out even though she qualified and needed the services. We had to fight in order to give her what she needs. We knew the laws and other things. The school has now learned not to short change us. Good luck and I am praying for you