Thursday, June 23, 2011

Searching for Someone

If you are on Facebook, you might be nodding emphatically to my next question:

Have you ever been found by someone who you thought you would never see again? Someone who you hoped, after your circumstantial connection ceased to connect you, would vaporize into the masses of people we knew "way back when"?

Only they're the bad penny. They found you.

I have had a few of those. I NEVER accept the friend request, but I am usually a little freaked out. I wonder what trail of breadcrumbs led them to me (but in the world of Facebook it's pretty much impossible to remain invisible).

And, of course, I turn this upon myself and wonder, "Wait, am I that stalker person who's the bad penny?" I don't send out too many friend requests but there is always someone I'm wondering about.

Actually, a few someones. Namely, my ex-boyfriends.

I'm not talking about some random guy who I had a few dates with. I'm talking about the few guys I had long-term relationships with. I wonder what they're doing now. I wonder if they are married now, if they've had kids, what kind of work they do, and... most importantly....

if they're devastated after the loss of a girlfriend like me. *wink*

I wonder, and I think, and I get really close to typing their names into the Facebook "search" box. But I never do. I feel like, in some small way, this would be cheating on my husband. I feel like it would be a breach of our trust because why do I care about these guys? I mean, it's fine to wonder but if I actually make the step to find these people, is that one step too far? And if I find them, what's the next step? Do I send a friend request? Do I communicate with them? What if they send me a private message? It's one of those things that starts off innocently enough but once you've stepped up to that line, you can't step backwards. Not easily, anyway.

So, for now, I think I'll just keep all my Facebook relationships to the platonic ones. Because, I wouldn't want to upset all those guys who are busy pining for me...

I'm sharing my awesome with Momma Made It Look Easy and you can too!

Texan Mama


Carol said...

that happens to me all the time but with girls who used to bully me all the time since I didnt date much cause all the boys I knew were just not good enough for me then and I ask myself why in the hell would they want to be my "friends" now when they were so mean to me???!!!???

Bridgett said...

One, and only one, high school friend has sent me a friend request, and I accepted. She was one I was sorry I'd lost touch with.

I wish I had the courage to send a friend request to the ex-fiance down in Houston. I really do. There is so much of who I am now that is because of him. Sometimes I yearn to reconnect with him, almost ache to get in contact with him and rebuild a friendship. Thing is, though, we burned too bright and hot and there's nothing left in those ashes.

So I stalk him online instead just to see how he is. He's fine. We're both fine. Because we don't know each other anymore.


leslie@gleaninggrace said...

You know you can "block" people on Facebook? I had to try it out for reasons I will not go into here...but basically if "they" are on Facebook and you add them to your blocked list, it appears to them that you are not on Facebook and vice versa to you. Like, really invisible! If they comment on a mutual friend's post, you don't see it! One day I actually wondered why my friend was talking to herself and then I figured it out :-)

Lex the mom said...

You can not only block people, you can make yourself unsearchable. Meaning, no one can find you unless you post on a public photo or post on a public wall - I think you can even block that. I've seen friends of mine having conversations with themselves on their photos or walls, meaning the person they are talking to is only visible to their friends. Finding you would take some stringent detective work & an iron will, though, for someone who wanted to find you and you were unsearchable & private.

On that note, I have looked for my one & only long term relationship prior to getting married. He isn't on there, but his brother is, his wife is & so are some of his family. I never got in touch, I just wanted to see what he was doing. Probably secretly hoping that he wasn't married & happy with kids - cause, you know, he needed me. ;)

I have tons of old high school acquaintances in my friends list. I kinda wanted them all to know I was doing alright - cause when I was young I don't think anyone thought I would be. No one has harassed me and everyone is doing pretty much what I imagined, living. It's nice to see them.

Ellen Stewart (aka Ellie/El/e/Mrs. Seaman) said...

It's simply not a good idea to get in touch with someone you used to have feelings for. Stay on your path.

I can't be any less eloquent or more bossy than that.

Beth Zimmerman said...

My husband's ex-wife (they were married less than 2 years, we have been married 31+, he's solidly MINE) friended him recently (which I told him I didn't think was such a great idea) and then asked me to be friends! She's on permanent HOLD!

Gigi said...

I just heard something on the radio about FaceBook fast becoming a big reason for divorce - because people step over that line.

You can make yourself invisible though - I did. My only problem is if people are friends with other people they some how see me and then send the request. I pretty much ignore most requests though.

misssrobin said...

I searched for an old flame. I found him. That's all.

I've been tempted to send a friend request, but haven't done it yet. My husband wouldn't care. I just wonder what's going on in his life.

So why haven't I sent it? Fear, I guess. What if he doesn't accept? What if he thinks I mean more by it than I do?

But it doesn't mean I won't still search every now and then.

That Janie Girl said...

Here's my problem. People who absolutely freakin' wouldn't have anything to do with me in high school are trying to friend me.

I didn't trust them then, so why should I trust them now?

Jeanine Byers Hoag said...

I know what you mean about people finding you! And I have had people I apparently went to high school and can't remember at all be really excited to have connected with me. So I friend them and then try to figure out who they are, LOL.

OTOH, I have had some really precious reconnections and am very grateful for them!

Followed you here from MMILE and Share Your Awesome.

My "Awesome"

Heather said...

I have people friend me from High School who I have absolutely no recollection of whatsoever. Some people are just friend collectors. I haven't friended any meaningful relationships. I know what you mean when you say it would feel like you are cheating.

Now on to the ridiculous:
I have a friend who is divorced. The father of her child has not seen the child in 5 years and also has not sent any child support in 5years. Last week she got a friend request from his girlfriend. Seriously.
I honestly don't know what people are thinking.

Connie Weiss said...

I've made my profile unsearchable so they'd have to be a pretty good detective to find me....

I have looked up old boyfriends and husbands and my husband knows about it. He laughs right along with me when we see that one of them has been arrested again and one had has granddaughter autographed by a hockey team.

I also look up my husbands' old flames....they aren't really the computer types, I never find anything.

Jennifer said...

I'm from a small town and a small area- so, even without facebook, I still know what the two exes I had significant relationships with are up to. Over the last 3 or 4 years, they have each friend-requested me. There was no bread crumb trail.. it's a small area and we have mutual friends even though neither of them is from the same town as me. Luckily, my husband is not a jealous person at all and I have no interest in rekindling anything with either of them. One is still single and the other is divorced but in another relationship that is live-in. They have lived together for 4 years now and just don't get married because they have both done it before. Or perhaps, no one is as awesome as I am and therefore, neither of my exes can commit. ha! That's what I like to think anyway, in my dream world.

Wendy said...

I haven't had this situation, but my husband has. It was his 8th-grade girlfriend, so I didn't care at all at first. But both her parents had just died & she had just divorced, and she was a bit... needy? Fragile?

Her messages back to him got a bit too flirty, a bit too personal, and I said, "I think she's on the verge of getting the wrong idea". He backed off.

So I would show him if someone messaged me from my past. And I don't go looking for them.

But in all honesty, I don't have to. I grew up in a town of 2,500 people and I know exactly where all my ex boyfriends are, how many kids they have. LOL

Jennifer said...

I don't really have any significant exes. But I did date this guy for a few months before I met David and he used to try to look me up all the time (classmates and myspace), but so far no friend request on Facebook. It may have something to do with how hard it is to find me on there.

And thanks for linking up.

Pam said...

Denying a "friend request" is actually a TWO STEP PROCESS on facebook. The "not now" button is step one, and when you click it, that person can STILL see all your activity as if you had accepted! You have to go into "friends" and selectively deny to make sure they can't see your stuff.