Wednesday, July 11, 2012

One of these days...

One of these days, all my hard work is going to pay off.

One of these days, I can quit pretending that I don't CARE when I am super proud of my work, and everyone tells me "You did a great job!" and then when I submit it for judgement by people who "matter", I get rejected. Or, maybe not rejected, but just deemed not good enough.

One of these days, I'm going to get to a point where I quit submitting my work to people who "matter" because I will honestly not care what they think. And that will be the better place.

It's not one of those days yet.

So for now, I will keep posting, keep trying, keep waiting for that stupid meaningless external validation. At the end of it all, no one will remember who won what award in whatever week for whatever reason. And I won't be a better person because some person who runs a website or a forum or blog said that I was good.

Because .... *I* think I'm good.

(I wince a little saying that. I don't want to sound conceited.) We live in a world that encourages people to love themselves and accept their individuality and talents, and at the same time criticizes people who celebrate their successes. Or maybe I've been in the mommy circles too long, listening to too many mommies wax poetic about their child being potty trained at 12 months or reading sentences at age 3. There's a fine line between

Why is it that I need other people to tell me I'm good for me to believe it? And then when those people DON'T tell me I'm good, suddenly I think I'm crap?

In a perfect world I would be able to say, "I love my work. I don't need other people to ooh or aah about it to make me know if it's any good or not." But I'm not quite there yet.

Where I am at now, I hear myself saying, "I think I'm good... but do you agree?" I'm not much for standing on my own, believing in myself, unless someone can stand with me.

I'll get there. One of these days.


Texan Mama

5 comments:

Ellen Stewart (aka Ellie/El/e/Mrs. Seaman) said...

Your job is so different from mine. It's rare that anyone ever tells me I'm good...

Gigi said...

I think most of us have that kernel of self-doubt and need to hear that external validation once in a while to remind us that yes, what we do is good.

Keep plugging away despite the doubts and lack of encouragement - it's something you love and that's what is most important.

BlessedMomof2 said...

Personally I love your blog and your photos! You always
Make me laugh!

Jennifer said...

I think you are awesome.

anymommy said...

I hear you and I think the same self-doubting thoughts every time I get a "no" or a "not you." Focusing on the next opportunity is so hard sometimes.