Thursday, July 18, 2013

my brain

I haven't been around here much lately.

I know it. You know it. I don't know if anyone cares any more.

For a long time I've felt like.... like I said all I have to say. And what I have left to say is better left unsaid. Because while I like baring my soul here on the interwebs, I still am highly aware that there are people out there... with feelings... people who I love... and their stories are not mine to tell. Not to mention, there needs to be a filter on the ends of my fingertips. Not every thought in my head needs to come out on this page.

But today I felt like writing. Not on Facebook, where my mom and best friend and everyone else can see every syllable I type.

So here's what's going on: my heart is heavy because of something personal going on, and I don't know how to stop thinking. I can NOT think about this every minute of every day because it is making me nauseous, it's keeping me up at night, and it's making me cry nonstop. On the one hand, this is an issue that I must pay close attention to and I know I must deal with. On the other hand, I know that if I let this issue consume my every single thought, I will cause myself physical harm.

Yet I don't know how to turn off my thoughts. A friend of mine recently said, "Gretchen, You have SO MANY THOUGHTS." just that. So many thoughts. And it's true! I wonder if having these non-stop thoughts is adult ADD. It could be. Or maybe I need to chill out. Or maybe that's just me. Maybe that's just how I'm wired, maybe that's who I am and that's what God created me to be. Maybe God gave me this kind of a brain for a reason - and it's my job to figure out that reason.

I hate uncertainty. I hate asking people for help. I hate conflict. I don't know how to escape my problems. I know, actually, that I should not escape but instead DEAL with my problems. That takes a mature person and, being 41, I thought I was mature. But every day I get older the more I feel like I'm a scared 14 year old, discovering her identity and needing support and reassurance, unsure about what the future holds.

Texan Mama


Tara R. said...

I know how it is to be so consumed by worry that it's like your brain is on steroids and can't be shut down. It's exhausting. I had both a good friend and an excellent therapist tell me... "if the situation can be solved, why worry. If the situation cannot be solved, worrying won't help. So... don't worry." Seems overly simple, but it does help to think that way, if you can.

Gigi said...

I'm SO glad to see you here - but even more sorry to hear that you are so troubled.

I know how hard it is too turn off those thoughts of things that are causing you grief. Even though worrying doesn't help, until the situation is resolved in some fashion the thoughts are still there.

Sending you hugs, wishing I could make it better and reminding you - my email box is always open if you just want an ear.

Eryn Hall said...

i miss you and your so many thoughts. the only thing i can think to do from this distance to help you get some peace, rest, and resolution, is to pray for you. i can promise you this: i will. ((love))

mare ball said...

I'm sending you a prayer that God will grant you peace of mind. That you can get some rest. And know you are not alone. Parenting, marriage - they are hard.