Monday, July 29, 2013

normal

I'm working on those elephant bites, but it's SO SLOW GOING.

I'm also trying to clean up from our totally failed garage sale. I worked so hard getting it together and we made less than $100. But, I've been photographing and listing the items on a local 'for sale' facebook group and had pretty good success with that.

Still, all the photographing, listing, checking, meeting, etc is sucking a lot of time out of me.
 
I'm realizing that my house is depressing to me. I look around and I see all the jobs that still need to be done, all the repairs that need fixing, all the unfinished EVERYTHING. Also, the computer is my escape, and it pulls me in more than I want it to. I TRY to avoid getting on the computer but I get sucked in. Partly because I have legitimate reasons - checking on the items I'm selling, finding a phone number, check on our bank balance, etc. But then I start doing other things (blogging, facebook, forums, etc.) and the day disappears...

I took some meds a few years ago to help me normalize my emotions. And when I say "normalize" I don't mean there is a standard of normal. I mean, to make them less like a roller coaster and more like gently rolling hills. :)  They worked for a time, then I went off them, then last year I went back on them and they didn't seem to work as well. I think I need to talk to my doctor about maybe getting an anti-anxiety medicine instead of anti-depressant? I don't even know if those are the same thing or not. I just know, I have a hard time falling asleep because my thoughts are racing and upon opening my eyes in the morning, my stomach is turning in knots while I think about all I have to do that day, and all that I didn't accomplish the day before.

I want my kids to have a mom who's not a mess. I know I'm not perfect, my kids DEFINITELY know I'm not perfect. I'm a big believer in apologizing when I'm wrong - especially to my kids. But I don't want them to grow up thinking that it's normal for a parent to have crying jags on and off most days. When we become adults, we often think "normal" is whatever we experienced in our own childhoods. I want my kids to see healthy, authentic happiness. Not fake or forced.

Maybe that's just not who I am? Maybe. But I really want to try, for my kids and for me.



Texan Mama

2 comments:

Gigi said...

If you are thinking you need to talk to your doctor - then you do need to talk to him/her. Just be careful what they prescribe - some of that stuff is *really* hard to wean yourself from and you can't just stop cold turkey!

Apparently, you have a lot going on right now and there is no shame in needing medical help, if necessary.

Leslie Limon said...

Talk to your doctor about adding another medication or possibly changing your meds, as soon as you can. It may not feel like it now, but there are meds out there that can help you and have you feeling somewhat normal. We have been dealing with this with my FIL, and the doctors finally found a combination of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds that have worked wonders.