Monday, July 22, 2013

sleep

why do I forget these things?

all last week, I have been working on getting a garage sale together. Our little town was having a town-wide garage sale and so I thought, this would be the perfect opportunity to get rid of a bunch of stuff. So I worked steady for about an entire week. I priced items, I sorted clothes by sizes and hung them on hangers, I washed items that needed cleaning and I fixed items that needed some hot glue. I got plenty of tables, I hung up my sale signs, and I put our address on the list for the sales in town.

and we grossed less than $100.

that. really. sucked.

every night I stayed up late doing pricing and sorting and arranging, because the heat was so intense and the cool of the night was the only time to do it without melting. then, every morning bright and early, my little ones would wake me up and get me going for breakfast and playtime and mommy get me this, mommy tell her to do that, mommy can I please have this, mommy can you please fix that, etc. etc.

Friday, after the disappointing sale, we headed out of town to visit family. Friday night I spent the night at my husband's grandmother's house. In the morning, when the little ones woke up, they played with her and I got to sleep in. UNTIL 9:45!!! HALLELUJAH!!!!

I woke with a clearer head, a lighter heart, and a better outlook. I know I still have some challenges ahead of me but I don't feel quite so heavy about it anymore. I feel like I can handle it.

Nothing is fixed yet. I don't want to be melodramatic but sometimes i feel like my life is one big swirl of chaos. The messes are never completely put away, no jobs are ever completely finished, the bills are never completely paid, the "to do" list always outpaces the "done" list. I feel like I'm never going to get caught up and it makes me feel defeated.

My heart wants to cry when I think about it. But my head wants to stand up and say, "Hey! This is totally do-able! No problem. We can tackle this!" I feel tugged by MY OWN SELF in two different directions.

I had a nice escape last night in my dreams. I had the strangest dream and it made no sense to me but I'll tell you about it: I dreamed that I was awoken in the middle of the night by someone I'd never met, but who I know as running a photography group on Facebook. He told me I was needed for a photography trip and to come with him. So I did. I got to a group of B&Bs in this small woodsy area, and I put my belongings away in my room and we were told to come downstairs. We all met outside the B&B, walked through the woods until we finally came upon a clearing. In front of us was a large circular area surrounded by a fence - the kind of rural wooden fence you see on ranches to keep cows penned in. Anyway, we all walked up to this fence and stood around it, and peered inside the circle and we saw ... the night sky and stars. And i know this sounds weird but he told us, this is the south pole. You are standing at the south pole.

I know this is totally bizarre but it made me dizzy to think about it. It makes me dizzy just typing it out now! And in all normal thought, being on the south pole would be cold and icy, not mossy green and grassy. But still, it was cool to feel included on this really important photoshoot. The dream continued with us (a large group of photographers) going all around the globe to "important" photographic sites to shoot amazing images. We traveled to Africa, to Asia, to Europe, etc. I've never been to these places in real life but I went there in my dream. It felt so amazing, I felt like I was free.

Waking up was one of those times when I kept fighting to stay asleep. I heard the sounds from the floor above me, the sounds that I knew meant that sleep was leaving me and waking was imminent. I tried to keep my eyes shut, tried to stay in the dream but I couldn't.

Going to sleep at night is even a personal struggle - but I don't know why I do that to myself. I fight with myself, "I should stay up and fold one more load of laundry. I should stay up and pick up these toys or plan the week's meals or clip coupons" etc. then I end up lying in bed thinking about all the things I didn't do. Sometimes I end up getting up and DOING them. Usually I can only go to sleep once I've succumbed to exhaustion about 3:30am. Then the cycle just continues because too little sleep makes me crazy and irrational.

I am hoping to make some changes - although my track record for sticking to my changes is disappointing at best - and those changes are going to have to include more sleep and more prayer time. I truly need both.



Texan Mama

1 comment:

Gigi said...

Oh sweetie - I'm glad to hear you got to sleep in and have a clearer outlook. A lack of sleep can make any little molehill into a mountain in the blink of an eye. Never mind what it can do with a real challenge!

The never done-ness of the to-do list is just life, I think. But can be extremely overwhelming to those of us who have that uncontrollable "need" to finish things and move on. It's something I struggle with constantly.